Am I a fighter? I don't know. I'm afraid of myself, so why do I hold myself back? I do it because of rejection? No. It's because I'm afraid of losing again. This path is scary. I need to accept myself or I'll stay stuck. I learn fast, but reject it by getting in my own way. I say I need permission to be myself or even happy, but believe I don't deserve it. Why? Is it a lie to myself? Maybe. I am sloppy, unrefined, selfish, taking things for granted, impatient, not healthy, distant, not myself, a second guesser, toxic to myself, blames others, refuses help, over estimating myself, suppressing myself, holding myself back and not seeing my true image. This... this isn't negativity, it's self reflection. I don't see my true image because of what it entails. I hold myself back because of fear. I blamed others for my failure and caved into my own injustice. I refuse help because I was taught it was a sign of weakness. I am selfish because of fear, I take things for granted because I'm unrefined and I'm unrefined because I reject myself. I am sloppy because I feel it's the only thing that brings control and chaos to my life. Not healthy because I'm stubborn and stubborn because of fear that was instilled into my heart. A second guesser because of the people in my life. I compare myself to others and they're not the best role models. Distant because it's easy. But, overtime I know that "easy" will become the hardest obstacle to overcome. Toxic to myself because it was how I was taught. So, this is a note of change. I see these things, and I know the problem. The solution is easy. Accepting myself and changing my behaviours, it's simple because my reflection shows something I'm not. And I'll become something I want to be, something I am.
© Process-12