I looked at my mother's gown today and thought,
'What a beautiful skirt this could be'
If only it wasn't afraid of change.

I looked at the sky the other day and thought,
'What a beautiful painting this could be'
If only it weren't afraid of change.

I used to look at this one person
And I've been thinking,
'What a beautiful soulmate he could've been'
If only he loved me enough to want to change for me.

The colours in this sky, the plaster in my walls
They've seen me think about him millions of times,
Within the halls, within the shadows of where she grows
I've cried about a million times, like a withering rose
Maybe more than stars in the galaxy
Or grains of breath in the sky
Should I stop saying hello if it only leads to goodbye?

Oh universe, you birthed me to a man incapable of care, one who only lies
And two more who didn't want to give what I gave, they taped stitches on my eyes

Am I really that unloveable to you?
I lose myself in so many shades of blue
It's stinging in my mind and it's burning on my thighs
Every man I trust makes me lose my f***king mind

Every single time, I thought
'Here's a new beginning'
Next thing I know, it's a new heartbreak song I'm singing
Wait wait no, don't be pessimistic
Maybe third time's the charm
Your fears are kind of thinning
This one's a new beginning

But everywhere I turn, I see the fragments of me there
Everywhere I look, fearful eyes and bushy hair.
I’ll show them hope but look they’re all still there
With those cups of desperation that they clink into the air.
"Cheers," they say, let's have some happy spirit
But my lungs are itching, I just don't see what's missing
I'm getting deja vú today
No shh this time he'll mean what he'll say
This time he won't lie to your face
This time he'll be honest and have grace

You know, some little girls search for father figures in teachers
And people walking on the street
Some little girls try to pull apart their features
So they don't look like their dad
So they don't screw up their plans
To join a planet of brave leaders

But who wants a leader with selfish carved into their face?
Or sewn into their veins,
Your blood can't run away
From the stage,
Where we don't know what role we play

Some little girls search for honest men in leaders
And people walking on the street
Some little girls invest trust to feel defeat
Parts of me have been stolen yet I feel so complete
The world's given me men who've given hints of deceit
To women who put aside fear and pride for them
To women who put their all in for them
Women who never lie to them

My veins are somehow grieving again
If I were just smaller and a little less outspoken,
Would you return my care to me, my care it was handwoven
If her skin were whiter and her waist a little slimmer,
If she had light eyes and a flawless pale complexion,
His eyes would be on her. His mind would be on her
But screw the could be's and the would be's
Screw your promises and screw divisions in these countries

But you can't run away from the place that you came:
Generations of people who never knew what role they played

His words keep stinging in my mind
Its burning on my thighs
My chest is feeling tight I don't think I'm going to survive
3 heartbreaks in year? Wow I'm gonna take a break,
Reset my streak, add a million things onto my plate
Why has every single man in my life just always lied to my face?
Why has every single man I've loved made me feel like such a waste?
Time to break my streak of being clean so my mind stops trying to race
Back to the who's and why's of it
The globe's a spinning hypocrite
The disconnect has made me lose my mind a bit

But I know I'm far from crazy, yet my head is still so scared
Of when he starts to read this and think 'has her sanity all teared?'
Had they all lied when they said they cared?

They all lied into your face
They saw you as a piece of waste
Try you out then run away
When things get hard or a little scary
Now I can't stop feeling wary
Because the world seems obsessed with tricking me
Giving me heartbreak memories

Word of warning I know love isn't all bad
But right now men have made a part of me feel sad
But i know she isn't all of me
She's just a mystic memory
The four of you have fingerprinted me

Beginnings are what I’ve wanted,
I’ve chased them my whole life
When I finally think I found one,
I turn around and see a knife.

"Nice joke,” they say, they smash their cups onto the ground.
They break my hope, they smash it, and it doesn’t make a sound.




© StarrySummer