I don't always understand it
And it's hard for me to accept that scary thought
It's something I fear to admit
To acknowledge defeat in a battle that I've repeatedly fought

I've been confronted with confusion
A ton of questions asked by others and by myself
Things I don't have an answer for
And has been met with disbelief by me and everyone else

I've searched for an explanation
By diving into the darkness of my mind and soul
Only to get lost in its endless halls
Aimlessly walking around until my breath gets out of control

I can't describe my feelings
For my truths are not as simple as they should be
And I know the pain behind that statement
Because it has always been a normal sense of gravity for me

You could tell me that I'm wrong
Yet you've never been a witness to what my mind can show
And you could hardly change my opinion
Because those things that I believe in are still the things that I know

So when I'm tired of living
I'm not only wishing for a few days off and away
I'm literally fuelling on my doubts
Those twisted thoughts that I carry with me each and every day

Or when I tell you that I'm useless
It's not something that you need to change or deny
Because it's rooted into my brain
And I've gotten so used to it, that I've stopped wondering why

Just like hating every of part of myself
It has genuinely become my life and my whole reality
And I can't just stop those feelings
Because they've merged into everything I've known to be

My wellbeing may have crashed
While I'm laying away because I can't fall asleep
I've lost the connection to things I love
And I often find myself craving to break down and weep

This is not a phase
I've just gotten so damn good at hiding it all
Deeming my problems as unimportant
Yet finding myself not even trying to soften every new fall

So when I tell you I'm broken
It's not because some silly thing or a resent event
It's my gravity that‘s pulling me down
And my whole unsignifant being that I can't stop to resent

You may tell me that it gets better
But I wouldn't be able to believe in such a thing
Because my hope is infinitely lost
And nobody sees that I'm hanging on a tearing string

Yes, my days are better
And the medication gives me a sense of steadyness
But it doesn't mean that I'm healed
Or that my mind has stopped to push me into helplessness

My words may not make sense to you
But to me they are the truth that I've learned to live by
They've become the core of my existense
And they've reached a point where I can't find a reason to try

I know that I'm not alone
Yet I can't change the fact of knowing that I am
Because when all hell breaks loose
I can't stop believing that nobody really gives a damn

And why should they,
If even I am not ready to face this inner fight?
Why would I even ask them to,
When I already know that giving up is never right?

I've always found back
Finding something that will keep me moving on
And being loved by friends and family
Has always been something that makes me want to be strong

No, I'm not giving up
Yet it will surely take time to reshape my mind
It won't be an easy travelled road
But who knows what the future has in store for me to find…

© BellaWritingHere