Shaking with doubt
a war in myself
struggling to get my fingers to move
everytime I open this page
I either have to get back to work
or hurry up and try to sleep
excuses are all I have because
I don't want to engulf you with negativity
or maybe it's just the laziness over taking me
or maybe it's because even after starting to write the A sides
it's not all sunshine and rainbows
but it's stopped storming so hard
in my brain
it's stopped raining even with the gray clouds present
and I suppose I want to keep the pace
stalling because while this has been on mind
expressing this feels like a step backward
or maybe I'm just scared of how I'll be perceived
even though you're faceless
your opinions mean so much more than you could ever realize
I've stalled enough and I won't get anywhere halting my breath
with maybes and regrets
so let's tear open these old scars
I've got some black blood to bleed
remove the tar and negativity from my veins
Not necessarily today
I feel the need to self depricate
attack how I act
how I think
so maybe I can reform
a form of self criticism to iron out the kinks in my system
I'm aware my own social skills lack finesse
awkwardness is my middle name
Renn Awkwardness Sypher
it feels like my emotions are backwards
I don't feel it lately
but my resting emotion is anger and irritation
like a thousand angry wasps run rampant underneath my forearms
and no matter how much I tear at my skin
I can't rid myself of the pain
so I self medicate with acting
pretending like I'm a different someone
when I'm only my true self
as soon as I close the door to my dungeon
lay on the floor as the house is silent except for my tv and the sound of my dad sleeping
wishing for good days, wishing for anything good to happen
yet only to receive
all these miserable interactions
I can never control
I battle myself with wars
all ending in stalemates
Is it the negativity of my pessimistic outlook perpetuating my misery
or do the ghosts and angels stalking my every move
try to teach me a lesson
is it my own fault for wanting the things I desire
alleviating in my own ways the things that infuriate me
as I try to get to sleep
or is it punishment I even try to feel some sort of better
I'm not the best person
I've never failed to admit that
my thoughts are chaotic
there's no doubt, I speak it everytime
always acting out of tune
as mundane my life has recently become
my childhood was so full of turbulence and ruin
I've realized I've suppressed memories and that's causing them to rise like hiccups
having me speak to myself
reminding me of what I'd rather forget
dark thoughts I don't mean not would even do
being a third wheel to a lost love's affair
everything I want to accomplish being a failure...
so much to say
yet I've been at this for weeks now and I just lack the elegance
so for now I'll leave it here
I'll pick where I left off
somewhere else
in something else
sorry my audience for leaving something unfinished
it's raining outside
like it's always raining in my head
and I lack a raincoat today

© Andrus Cassian