i dont quite know how to interpret
myself this time
i never do
although trying to get these words out
almost seems impossible now
writing seems harder
and words dont make sense

the thing about relapsing again
was that i never wanted to be the girl
 that failed twice
i dont talk about being hospitalized often
but my brain made sure to forget it
to dissociate when i have to
and be depressed only when
im sober

i smoke to forget they stopped loving me
i smoke to subdue family anxiety
i smoke to forget feeling forgotten
to forget im feeling stuck
and no move ive actually made
has been the right one

i dont talk about my suicide
because that's a feeling many
dont forget
talking about it seems obnoxious
because rock bottom isnt so obvious
not anymore -

mental health just became a hotel pool
others were sitting at the bottom
others were makin their way
i was just standing on the edge
floating into the deep
deciding if i should put
bricks on my feet

going to visit the ones that ...