Hey, my quiet place
will you welcome my long face
into your arms
unsheathing scars on your porch step
enjoying the spring at 6 in the evening
like we have time
like this were the early 2000s
and we were in middle school
I kind of wish I were back in middle school
7th grade
where I had no opinion on how I felt
where my only obligations were to homework and friends
instead of work and bills
where I didn't care at all about taxes and responsibility
when responsibility was a suggestion as popularity was the only social issue
instead of rampages in the streets
madmen proceeding to gun tote and mow down civilians with ease
where I wouldn't have these dreadful thoughts
that anyone of those victims could be me
Precious angels and luck above all else
the only thing I can really think
besides saying out loud
without someone scoffing at my remark but I'll say it anyway
someone in the big upstairs
be it God, be it Aphrodite
be it someone, some soul whose grown fond of my oblivious endeavors and antics
has been watching over me
keeping me out of harm's way
halfway danger free
outside of my careless, reckless insanity
sometimes I think I'm just a bunch of different people wrapped into one complicated being
For all of my talks of anxiety and loneliness
I attract attention, humans from all walks of life
who am I, who was I in a past life
for all my talks of neediness and social solitude
I have people in my life I enjoy talking to and look forward to seeing
I have interactions I think about and crave all the time
feeling sad and neglected
like an entitled child when they don't go my way
finding my feet walking in their direction
I hate the term when I'm being described as one
but I'm a lost puppy coming to heel
searching for love and affection
but still on some level feel happy that I was even able to experience it in the first place
I'm so used to bad luck
to things falling apart
I don't expect things to work out
even though I can hear my conscience say
"son please settle down and keep your wits"
yet I have a habit of bad decisions
like trouble is what I need
when trouble is all I've concocted
a mad scientist
when I'm only a miserable illusionist
a sad son of a .....
pulling out my hair like weeds
when the stress gets too heavy
taking scissors to these tangled strands
like they have anchors attached
as I think about cutting off all my hair
starting again so I can shed the weight upon my head
as I'm dressed in accessories to feel like someone new
like all these trinkets can promise me good luck and a good day
but these are all things I've said before
I'm just repeating myself
stalling and killing time
I'm due back to work but I have so much pressure to alleviate
with a headache pulsating
Lost in thought for one more day
another day a different story
yet out of this I have positive notes to share
only not this entry
this question is not for you to answer but please let me know if you feel the same
Why do I torture myself with goodbyes
torture myself with smiles and chasing unattainables
why do I want what I can't have
wanting to feast on forbidden fruit
when I know and talk myself down from the ledge
I keep shouting I want to be someone's permanent
yet I'm so dedicated to being someone's temporary fling, someone's temporary flirting disaster
someone's obedient dog
someone's temporary
always succumbing to their wishes at the promise of a treat
always wanting to be looked at that Way
seductive and longing
always wanting be looked at that Way
loved and wanted for nothing
When did being loved become my main focus
when did wanting the opposite sex to acknowledge my presence become my goal
when did my wolf instincts tell me to find a bride and start my own pack
I need my own pack
Where can I find my own pack
How do I find my own pack
born with animal instincts
I am a human no less
with good morals
trying to be the best human i can be
yet the wolf in me
proves solitary and clunky
awkward and shy
nervous and longing
for a wanderer capable of easily falling apart
for a hopeless romantic seeking love and finding lust in it's place
my desires all over the place
you'd think with my gift of attracting a crowd
I'd have found a way to attract the ones I'm searching for
the company I need
but I only attract what my block head thinks I don't need
I only attract misery
and only get called on when I'm needed
ignored when I'm not
only worth 5 minutes of time
sitting on the sidelines
this is a message to the heavens
that I don't think even read what I say
why would they, they're all pretty busy
but please, can I attract
how can I attract all these different faces and strangers
yet not the one I need

© Andrus Cassian