FUNERAL FOR THE LIVING.

you know i've never been good at goodbyes
And with foster care there is a lot of those

i still hate them to my core.

you know my fractured brain has got to deal,
and well its fractured so here is my fractured toast
BUT NOT FAREWELL

so i toast to the times i got to hear your small little giggles.
GULP

to the times that mama or me got to teach you a new thing like how to walk or even share
GULP

to soft cuddles and "i love you daddies"
I love you to
all of you
GULP

i toast to the memories of the small things
like giving you your first slice of a pickle or a lime. to your first thanksgiving or christmas or at least with us
GULP

or to bigger memories like taking you to the zoo or aquarium or to the coast of texas
GULP

or to car rides learning your favorite songs like thunder,baby shark, let it go, and wheels on the bus.
GULP

to holding your hand as your feeling really bad in the hospital because your fighting rsv
GULP

i also toast to all the insights you have given me to the heart of jesus for his orphans.
GULP

the truer grasp i now have of the gospel because broken things can mend and broken people can heal
yall were all worth my brokenness
GULP

yet to be honest the thing that eats at me is every time it like a death there is empty chairs and photos of ghost like experiences
GULP

times i wonder about you all about where you are and almost call for you down the hall or hear your cries in the night
GULP

as two more head towards this living bereavement
GULP

i prepare the sacred ground of my heart for the burials
GULP

as i make ready the epitaph that i write by way of prayer these last words they will hear from my lips
GULP

i pray as i always do by whispers in their ears after they are snug in the case workers car as i lean in for a hug "Abba Father of Love please let my little loves make it to eternity because if not then to me your paradise will be found wanting" then kissing them on the forehead i say good bye
FOR NOW

GULP.

© cmrios