When my dreams are awake
during the day,
they are filled with reasons why you avoid me, why you dislike me,
why you can’t even look at me.
A part of me finds true solace in that,
in that idea that to avoid me; to dislike me is to know at least a part of me.
Even if it was a part that drove you away, I feel blessed to have your presence visit.

Then the sobering reality of the day passing by reminds me of one even more terrifying possibility.
The idea that you couldn’t care any less about me to even temporarily visit any part of me.

I believed you felt
uncomfortable around me.
But I fear youre actually comfortable without me in your life.

I thought you avoid me because you didn’t want to deal with me.
But I fear you don’t even think about me, not even once.

I assumed your heart was empty for me
But I fear it’s filled with so much genuine love, just not for me.

I wished it not to be true but I truly believed you felt nothing for me
because I was not enough for you.
But I fear you just actually have
no idea I exists and never will.

To hate and avoid means there was something there that caught your attention enough to run away.
My biggest fear is,
I never meant anything to you at all,
I never even spent time
in a single thought of yours

Do your eyes know me?
Does your smile?
Do you?

© CMA