Miserable to start the week
no need to sugarcoat
or seek out weak words to describe
how I feel
beat around the bush with a stick
like a monkey trying to play the drums
when I can say it as powerful as a lion's roar:
what I feared, what I dread
being jobless and blaming yourself for someone's death
while the people around you
keep asking for your time, your breath
wanting to know your next step
when you want answers to the questions
the ripples that you once created with stones
left no answers
like death, just an empty space where matter once echoed
Nothing will ever come close to that pain
it's still number one in my brain
but this is number two
or at least in the top five
How cruel can life be
me, you already know my struggles with sleep
now I just stay awake till 2 am with ease
no matter how much I'm willing to tire myself out
no matter how long I lay on the blank slate
covered in fleece with my head cocked sideways
seeing if I can hear the walls talk
refusing to slumber until my eyelids get heavy
and memory gets hazy
What makes today any different
the long standing mission for me
you know my goals, my dreams
to find peace and happiness
to break free of this crippling sadness and self hate crushing me
a bird under a tire
What makes today any different
you say more with force
I'll skip the cutesy dialogue
long story short because I, myself
can't remember the details
it's nearly 3:30, midday
this dream that broke my psyche arrived around the same time but in the am
ending with the image of woman who would turn out to be
the one who got away
whispering she's taken by someone else
this was a dream, it had to be right
How cruel can life be
where I can dream of someone I haven't seen
in days, in years
yet still remember their face so visibly clear
Now awake, and she, once again growing larger within my thoughts
I proceed to search for her face
to discover my dream was a nightmare
I shouldn't be surprised
instantly hating myself and balling my eyes out
at the notion she's engaged
Come on kid, relax, you know she's a catch
you know her faults and her compliments
she's impeccable, everything you wanted
and you wanted her to be happy
you wanted her to discover someone better than you
with her engagement proving your wish true
Yes, I might've wished for that
guilty for constantly making her cry
leading her around cause I didn't know what I want
stupid mistakes and fall aparts
yet...and yet
it was still in my head years after we broke contact
that the next time I talk to her, I'd set things right
that next time, everything would be different
but I'm still a wreck
she's knee deep in happiness
and I don't want to ruin that
so what do I do
can't just show up and say hi
while her man, another obstacle
would defend her without warning
her knight in shining armor
while I'm just a jester trying to gain her favor
Back to back weeks
I can't win, I can't swim
so leave me here to drown
leave me here to sink
I hate this week, I'm miserable already
once again, able to do nothing at all
but think

© Crowthepoet