Death and I aren't friends
this isn't a rehash or a sequel
it's one more attempt to drain bad blood from my veins
to stop this onslaught of negative thoughts
before I succumb to their poison
to wish for numbness instead of life
which is why I'm gripping and running towards
wherever future or person I can manage
to feel like I'm going in a direction
moving forward instead of feeling like I'm going nowhere
running in circles around my head
as I lay in bed wishing for death
Nothing has changed in five years but my jobs
Nothing has changed in five years
except now that the woman I've been chasing for four years lost interest in me
that my girlfriend of three years has condemned me as a friend
that I can't stand the fact 3 months removed from the occurrence
There's no more grief
only acceptance
we're oil and water
two fish from different lakes
we simply don't merge
but I hate how it is
I feel like I'm trekking on eggshells
because anything I might say
may trail off in a tirade
how I hate how things are between us
that 5 years later
she's still depressed and sad
only with newly added complications
that after all my years of promises
I couldn't keep a single one
that her love is gone
that i couldn't make her happy
that she's already moved on
and chasing the one that came before me
that I wasn't enough for her
that chasing her was for nothing
that I can't erase this feeling I wasted nothing but time
that I can't get out of my system this rage and frustration
I can't hold onto what I love
she's a separate person
but just once I'd like to keep the things I love
that aren't just music
I'm suffocating under this pressure
every Sunday when I just want to relax
I hate this so much
but I can't do anything
except break contact when I swore to be her best friend
yet I'm just torturing myself so I know for certain the girl I love is gone
she's been gone for a year, I lost her last March
it just took until November for it to be real
now February for it to be accepted
and I hate it
through all my selfishness and desires
I hate it
but I can't do anything about it
upsetting me the most
except listen to jazz and quiet down
but I just want to ask death to kill me now
of course that's the negativity talking
that's the quitter talking
nothing will happen
I'm just venting
so this relenting buildup will leave me be
but it won't
all I do is think and think
tiring easily
with the guilt of failure eating away at me
yay Sunday
whatever
Send me back to sleep
© Crowthepoet