Looking for love in the wrong places
Wrong spaces
My internal psyche is climbing up the walls
Can’t stay present
Stuck in the past
Thinking about all the relationships that didn’t last
I think I should of done this differently or said it in a better way
The truth is I could never make any of you stay
I’ve locked myself down
In a whole
Thrown myself into the abyss
My heart aches for my past
And yearns for a better future
I always wondered why I suck at keeping friends
It’s so easy to make them but almost all of them leave me
Possession of the idea of wanting connections haunts me the most
I’m so drained from all the constant trying
All these years I’ve yearned for close connections, true friendships, and for my love to be accepted openly
I must be giving my love to the wrong people cause I feel truly alone
Can’t find my way back home
I have family
I have friends
But I feel like I’m standing outside of my body, outside of myself
Watching my life pass by, watching through a tv screen
Detachment is a game I know all too well
Depression is a friend that’s stuck with me for to long now
I’ve always longed for more but I just don’t know where to look
I keep exploring and trying new things
Seems like a waste of time
I’d rather fucking hide in the crevices of my subconscious mind
I’m so afraid of being vulnerable, getting hurt
I shut them all out and then I go sit in a corner and pout
I’ll keep everyone at a arms length distance if it means I can’t get hurt
Tired of my heart bleeding
I’m over trying to stitch up the the repetitive wounds I keep receiving
Maybe I’m being delusional but I feel that I am truly alone
I try to switch my thoughts to a better channel
I try to change my actions
Sometimes I think, Maybe I am better off alone
I want to have it all but I’m not sure how to hold it in the palm of my hands
I want to stop bleeding but maybe mental pain is all I seem to know
Continuing on this path seems useless and dull
Seems everyone is moving on
And I’ve just left myself behind
Trying to keep up in the rush of it all
Wanting to call a friend
But the phone just repetitively rings
Feeling dumb and stupid and useless
Feeling like I don’t matter to others
I’m the type of person to go one way or another
Either they all love me or all hate me
In a way it’s my own fault
For causing others to have a mental ultimatum with me
I should let my feelings flow when it comes to friendship
I should let people be people
But I just can’t
I want full control or none at all
So I stand in the middle, with my arms out wide
If they get to close I push them all away
But if their out of arms length I want to cry like a child
I’m stuck in a spiral loop that I can’t keep to escape
I’m stuck in my own head
And I can’t get out of me
Out of mental anguish, this mental conversation, of this continuing cycle I repeat frequently
I want to escape
But I’m me and I’m here
I just feel all alone

© All Rights Reserved