Gotta stop being hard on myself 
Gotta stop lying with this guilt and shame
I know I’m the one to blame
But forgiveness is the key to my soul being free
So please come walk with me
Hand and hand
Understanding and forgiveness 
Walking beside me
Fighting a war inside myself
For so many moons
I’ve watched myself shed my old skin
Time and time again
Until I can’t even recognize my past self these days
I keep blooming anew 
Under the moonlight my flower petals fall
Trying to comfort my past selves trauma with simple words and affirmations
Distracted by my present issues
Haunted by my past memories 
Wanting to run away from it all
Start a new life in some foreign country 
But truthfully the environment I’m in is not the issue 
It’s my brain and my thoughts and my paranoia 
I am the victim and the perpetrator in my own back story
I pray and I breathe and I do everything I can to survive myself 
Get some therapy 
Take some unprescipted drugs
I just need alot of hugs
But it’s hard to accept outward love
I’m scared to be touched by others
Can’t let them hug me or hold me unless were fucking
Can’t let them treat me with kind words and gifts so I push them all away
I question why no one ever stays?
Either I don’t ever stick up for myself 
Or it’s the opposite and I’m to forceful and upfront, too aggressive to a “T”
I’m my own biggest self conundrum
A fallacy of information and useless words and jumbled up feelings stuck inside my chest
Looking for a way out of this body
Of these negative thought patterns 
I wrap myself up in complexities 
It’s easier to be distracted by the trauma then to change for the better
It’s all I’ve ever known
Glued to my blue iPhone
Stuck myself in the past
Even though I’ve bloomed under the moonlight under countless full moons
I’ve been trying to develop a new internal attitude 
Seems I’m glued down, sticky wetness pinned down inside all this past mess
I want to be free
To forgive myself 
But I crave outward confirmation 
Outward validation 
I want to feel safe inside my head
I want to be forgiven 
But closure is no where to be found
So I sit and pout, I ponder and I roll myself around in my pessimistic thoughts 
Looking for a way out of the mess I keep rolling around in
I’m stuck in my head
I’m stuck in my past feelings, in my past trauma 
It has a hold onto me that I can’t seem to shake off
That I can’t seem to let go of
I pray and I cry
I go to therapy once a week
And I take unperscribed drugs
I write poems that no one probably reads
And I roll around in my self indulgent, narcissistic, ADHD thoughts 
I tell myself that it will all be ok
But maybe that’s a lie I tell myself to keep going
Maybe none of this past shit matters and I just have an obsessive personality 
Maybe I’m glued to the trauma cause it’s what I know best
It’s all sticky and wet and that’s what I’m used to
So instead of letting it go
I roll around in the chaotic mess I call my thoughts 
And I cry to the moon 
I'm always asking for better days to come
But will they ever actually come to me?



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