I am half of you,
and you are part of me.
Some people get to see their fathers for all of their lives.
I've seen you for less than a quarter.

I sometimes asked why you weren't here,
And momma gave me an answer.
She said you werent your best,
And you were fighting some demons.

I thought how could a demon,
Be more worthy,
Than your daughter?
To get your undivided attention?

I grew up knowing the different sides of you,
The intellectual,
The scared,
The hateful,
And the despair.

You know,
Sometimes I was scared of you.
The times you would yell on the phone at me,
Those drugged out talks,
And those times you would just stop.
I never knew who the real you was.

I've heard people say that you were smart,
Handsome, and a great son.
But then why do they cry when you never pick up?

I wanted to ask you so many questions,
Why did you leave?
Why did you never try?
Why did you hate me?

People said you never hated me,
Or my sisters,
But I can't help but find that a lie.

Until that one night,
When you called me Thanksgiving day.
You told me you were sorry,
And you were getting better and to pray.


To pray that you would see me and my sisters and we would have a picnic and it would be good.
It would be great.

Until the day you died.
It left me mortified inside,
Knowing that you had promised.
Promised me you were okay,
Promised me you would stay
But that was another promise down the drain.

I cried so so hard that day,
Knowing I would never get another call back,
Knowing that I'd never see your back.
You would never come to graduations,
Weddings,
Birthdays.
Anything.

I sometimes still wish you were here,
Even though most of the time you weren't great,
I still would rather be irate,
Then be in this pain.

It's been two years,
December needs to disappear.
Because I stood up there,
Still in tears,
To the father that upped and disappeared.

So, dear dad.
How are you up there?
I'm doing fine right here.
I'll never abandon my future kids,
I'll tell them how it is,
And make sure I'm better than you.

But even though I might hate you,
I still will always love you.

Sincerely,
Me.
© Liyah Lee