On this road to redemption ,my heart bleeds pain , I was hard headed and didn't listen , so I'm the one to blame , my fear is my addiction , the substances are just a lane , a defense mechanism in which I hide my pain. I've been on this journey for longer than I can remember , all these years my hearts been hurting , but no one notices my silent whimpers. So I shout it to the heavens praying God will make things simpler , but he said if it was easy , then you wouldn't need me as your healer. I don't give a fuck used to be my anthem and motto. Till God gave me a humble dose , which was a hard pill to swallow. I thought I was a gangster until I did those thirteen years , and I met some real gangsters , who made me understand what being a gangster did. I never thought I'd make it out , but one day God crack the gates , open the lid and I got to come out the dungeon and meet my 3 kids. Now I don't know the first thing about being a father or a man. My mom died when I was twelve and a person with whom I share features I never met that man. So a role model or example I could never be or comprehend. But I just wanted to let my kids know that I wanted to be their Dad. But habits are hard to shake , when you don't have an alternative plan and a man without a plan is lost from the beginning and Destined to meet his end. Self medicating all my life , so i do not pretend , like I've ever been normal or happy or would ever fit in. But I finally realize what life is worth , so now I'm trying to make amends , and prove I'm worth more then I've shown to God , myself , those who love me and my kids !
© ockindev213