In the end it was just me and my thoughts,
A painful trap, long after you were gone

After I gave you meds, to assure your suffering was at least a tad tamed
I left my hand on your hand on your chest, counting breaths

It's like counting sheep, counting the space of time between continuing life - somewhere between a breath and a beat

I was...
Somewhere between sleep and awake
You, my boy, were busy~
Somewhere between alive and dead
The heartbeat that turned into a lite beat
That grew inside of me
That lived outside of me - for over 11 years
That cancer taking away pieces of you
Those parts of me that is you
Snapped
When you left
Stopped

Dexter, age 11, or even 77,
"The Bucket list Boy"
Loving, Happy, Thoughtful, Amazing boy and
Your Ripples -
touching every part
of every thing
of every one

I may have dozed off
for perhaps 58 seconds
Or more
Or less...
When I slipped into a super mini, micro, nano, inconsequential, less than a minute, lucid sleep
There were two souls in bed
When it took too long for your chest to raise
For the guppy breath
Or Anything that kept you alive
The you that is you...
Gone

When I undersood you'd given up your body
That you laid down your spear and shield,
When you laid down pain, intense, horrific pain
You, Dexter, won the war against cancer, tremendous
You went home
And you laid down all the things...
And picked up your wings...
And left me, in bed
All
Alone.
Two souls, down to one.

It's been over two years now,
Yet the pain is still fresh
All I have is faith in a miracle
That I am actually asleep
No need of worrying
Because you are next to me
Breathing easily

© Jen St George