Days are getting heavier && heavier to carry..Getting harder to get threw..I just feel like completely giving up on this life, that I'm being forced to endure..My dad has completely drained my soul,and destroyed every part of any hope..A Daddy's girl is all I've ever wanted to be..As the oldest always willing to do what was needed, trying to keep the smiles on their faces..&& the peace,even if I already knew my dad didn't have that in him && the anger and rage always was present,just simmering under that hateful soul..When it came to us,his wife and 4kids..There was nothing that I could ever do,To get my dad to love me..My parents literally didn't tell me I love you..My sisters and brother tho,they lived a different reality..They felt loved and had birthday parties.. Good gifts under the Christmas trees.. & the only thing in life I ever wanted,Was my mom&dad to love me..I would tell my mom I love you and she intentionally would talk about anything else..Finally my grandparents sat && talked to her..Those two were my angels sent to save me, because I don't believe I would be here today if I didn't have that lil piece of safe haven..&& their overfilling hearts of love and care.. My mom still didn't say I love you aback, let alone first..But after that she would whisper real low,a mumble, luv u..That was the absolutely most I ever got..My dad ticking playing on the floor with my siblings.& my mom laughing joining in..i felt like those were there moments & I was intruding on their family..Even tho I was sitting right there,I was always ignored..Never apart..It completely destroyed my heart,it BROKE apart of my soul..&& gave me obstacles that I had to fight my whole life,((I had to heal ))and it was a hard, lonely life..When I'm only 12yrs old and your disowning me because you are in a drug state!!" Seeing things that were not there,was your trip && covering the vents in every house we ever lived.Claiming my mom was cheating..Waking me up in the middle of the night, for a week straight the first time..The first of many..As you sat on the edge of my bed dad,watching a skinny lil bush tree, you wouldn't let me take my eyes off of it..even tho I had elementary school the next day,and the following days after that.. I was forced to stare into the dark night waiting to see a guy that wasn't truly there..Saying watch your mom's boyfriend is hiding behind..So we sat there for hours,until the sunlight broke..Well my dad the whole night long,talked about my mom so horribley as If I wasnt his lil girl.his daughter..But that was just how my design in life was..&& To protect my 2little sisters and baby brother, && my mother I would of did anything..I had to..Ive heared the"I'll kill you's"& all the other nightmare things..i felt like I had to be the one in the front lines of this battle..They were so young &my mom I felt like one-day you would be so gone and take her life..Since 8years old, I kept a knife under my pillow..Terrified and full of fear..But still I was going to always choose to protect my innocent mom &siblings..Scared or not I would protect them and if I lost my life,then that was something I was mentally prepared to do..Strong lil girl right here dad that you created..Since I was born all I wanted && longed for was to be a Daddy's lil girl..Because since day one,you had my COMPLETE love and heart..Even if I knew what people were telling me about you was true, I would intentionally jump up & defend your honor..&& they we're honest to GOD just trying to warn me because u as my father~i needed to be protected from!!" You were the one I was shielding tho..Your feelings I was always trying to protect..How twisted and sad is that dad??" One day we were at home leaving for a bday party & you were screaming at my mom((yet once again)) Following routine I go in your guys room &you turn to me with the devil behind your dark black eyes..Cussing my soul out once again..My life was pure hell..You threw the lighter so hard across the room so it would hit my leg..&you nodded like fk you..I was 11at the time..No saving grace was gonna come and rescue me..No matter what I do,this life wasn't going to ever be able to heal all the brokeness you hand wrapped && gifted especially just for me.A lifetime of struggling to fix all the devastion you created..i no longer had any fight in me, no will or desire to see another tomorrow..I was like that for years..I had to fight..Or I woulnt be here today..All the scars I still have, but they no longer bleed..
Out of all the responsibilitys you had as the man in your children's life,The biggest one Was solely to Protect AND Love us!!" So how devastating you could imagine when it turns out,our own blood && flesh daddy ended being the biggest,scary,most terrifying, damaging monster of them all!!" My sisters & brother always had a relationship with you..I was the one who longed for just a lil love.Daddys girl was all I dreamed about..So was the stupid one ((me or you)) Thats a strong love I had for you dad,and it's sooo SAD,that out of the all the times you held my hand and personally walked me threw hell itself..&& I was barring that cross..I still would go..You never once apologized,No talking about how you completely just destroyed every ounce of life in me..I never wanted to burden you with my pain..So I would sit in the corner && bleed from the gashes & deep wounds you had just attacked me mentally with..& then I would turn back around with the biggest smile.. Because hey dad was ok & that was enough..So today I want to ask you..Dad how come I was never enough??"I always gave u credit &praise..When u didn't even deserve to be a dad & should of been left alone to rott in the very same hell you created..It wasn't as tho, you didn't know how to be a dad because you were a pretty good dad to my sisters && brother I witnessed all of it..Why dad??" WHY"??" was there never no love like that for me??"I loved you since day one..Eternally I'm already dead~

© SabrinaMarie