As I fall into my dreams
I keep going further and further down
As I reach the pavement , I go “splat”
.
.
I think to myself that I can fly
So I take critical steps to achieve my goal
I first build my own wings
Then I boost my ego up
Like a inflatable pool
I push the hose pump down to push out the air
And I keep pumping and pumping
Till I can fill it up so tight with air, I think it would float away into the open sky
So I keep telling myself “I think I can fly”
I build my little brittle bird wings up
I collect twigs and feathers I find in old bird nests
I find crumpled up paper airplanes and notes I have written on index cards
I glue my bird-like wings together with a hot glue gun and a crazy dream
A dream to escape
A dream to fly away
Fly away from it all
Go anywhere I want to
Have nothing holding me back
Not my family
Not my friends
Not even myself
Not even the life I have been trying to build for myself for so long
Maybe I can even escape my past
Throwing it all away, right into the trash
I can run away
Just like the fucking flash
So here’s my plan
I’m gonna put these stylish, feathery, paper mâché, string, bird wings together
Stick the twigs and branches together
Intertwined the feathers and crumpled up paper pieces, lining the bottom with dirty note written paper and the top with bird feathers
I am going to make my wings look real
I’m gonna boost my ego up so much so I think I can fucking fly
I’ll do anything to escape myself
My world
My inner turmoil
My inner demons
Been feeling alone for so many years and everything I have tried hasn’t fixed it
Am I just unfixable?
Why does my body physically ache
Is this sadness killing me and I am just not aware of it
Who’s fucking doing this to me
Is it god? Is it the universe?
Cause we need to have a fucking talk
I can’t keep going like this
Day in. Day out
I keep looking for distractions in the mundane to escape
I’ll do anything I have to do to not overthink or overfeel or over worry
I’m so tired of feeling like I’m trapped in my own body, in my own brain
I just want to break free from it all
Like a bird taking flight
Into the wind, I go
I will fly away and never turn back
I want to fly away so badly it eats at me daily
Like a infectious disease
A tumor inside me that I can’t seem to cut out
So I let it internally grow
And in return I think I need more medicine
By “medicine” I actually mean I yearn to escape the life I have been given, more and more each day
Wanting to fall into my dreams
Diving deeper and deeper
The further I go the easier it is to keep going
I don’t want to come back up for air
I don’t want to come back to this reality
This reality is cruel and mean and unjust
I’m tired of saying I’m tired
I’m over that’s there’s not enough synonyms for the word “tired” or “free”
I can’t deal with the world I have been gifted
It’s to overwhelming, to chaotic, to unpredictable
And I can’t function if I don’t feel in control or safe or like what I can offer matters in some way
I want to escape into my dreams
Fall into them and never come back up
No one can hurt me in my own little wonder land
No one coming out to lend their broken hands
And for me that’s ok, I didn’t need anyone else anyways
But that’s my problem
Wanting to escape but also craving connection
Seems I can’t find the best direction
I keep walking and swimming and flying
I keep scheming and Chasing and diving
But I can’t find my inner balance
So instead I devised a plan to fly away
I’ll walk up to my 3 story rooftop
I will put my bird wings on
I then boost my ego up really high
Telling myself I can fly
I go back a few steps
I run and then I jump off
And then just for a few moments I am free
I am flying away from it all
And it feels amazing, like a breath of fresh air
.
.
And then I fall
And go “Splat” against the pavement

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