One night,
I got in my car and I drove as far as I could until I found a dirt path
I had to leave my house
I was scared of my wrath
See?
A lot of times I’m so quiet that most people would think I’m mute
People take my innocence from me and then blame me for reacting to it
They’ll build me up and make me feel like I’m ten feet tall,
Only to remind me that I’m not even two-hundred pounds soaking wet and the wind could blow me over
It was dark
I had my gun in my lap and I was ready for a long awaited nap because mentally I was tired
Tears filled my eyes and I snot came running from my nose
The realization set it that no matter how much I do for people,
No matter how many times I change my ways and no matter how many personalities I create to fit their lifestyle,
No matter how much I mask my autism to make them feel more comfortable,
It’s not enough
It’s not enough that even though I hate loud noises I let them play music as loud as they can,
Even though it feels like needles sticking me all over my body
It’s not enough that I mask my autism and pretend that it doesn’t make me panic and hurt because the more I mask the more drained I become
Now my hand has a tight grip on the gun and now I can’t run because I always catch up to myself and my mind won’t stop going long enough for it to register that I need to drop the gun
As a man I’ve been broken down into grains of sand
As a man I’ve watched and listened to people tell me I was too emotional or not emotional enough and when I’ve finally gotten fed up and decided to be tough,
It’s my fault
I let my anger get the best of me because I didn’t take the abuse and neglect that was coming my way
As a man I should do this,
As a man I should do that,
As a man I shouldn’t cry and whatever women say about me,
No matter how horrible it is,
It’s true
I am an ugly man
I do use my autism as an excuse to being emotionally unavailable
I should take the initiative more instead of the woman because I’m a man and I should forget my emotional distress and wellbeing because that doesn’t matter when you’re a man
So,
I sit here in my car with my vision blurry from the tears and snot running from my nose to my bottom lip that I can taste just a tad bit
My hand gripped around the gun and pointed to my head
I would say I’m sorry but nobody cares
I would call my family but I’m too much of a burden
I failed as a person
I failed as a human
I failed…
As a man

© All Rights Reserved