Day 23 of February
1:10 in the afternoon
I should eat something but I'm not hungry
I feast on the meat of the words that presume
to swarm around me like perfume
excuse the misuse of dialect
this isn't abuse
I think I'm just trying to amuse myself in this ruse
rhyming away, what's the use
to create an intro
while diluting what I initially
wanted to portray
so in disarray, let me restart officially
...
February 23rd
another Tuesday, calling it another loser day
hi, I'm the loser
I made that a positive thing
or so I believed, my younger self's philosophy
you see, growing up
we always see the movies and cartoons
all this media where this flawed underdog
a street rat, a listless king
relatable figures, down on their luck
but pure hearted
struggle and fight
yet always get that happy ending
so I wear that label on my sleeve
or well, I once did
I don't really own it this time around
it's negative still in retrospect
It's all I feel
Don't get me wrong, I'm still searching relentlessly for that happy ending
Someone through that golden piece of hay in a needle stack
a golden ticket if you will
so I keep digging and wading my through
pricked to the bone
feeling like a porcupine
with all ticks stuck into my hands
but it should all feel worth it in the end...
it'll all feel worth it in the end...right?
Today, I got the second dose of a vaccine
that's supposed to save my life
from the pandemic swirling the air
but is it really real
I still breathe in oxygen
I know it's real, I've been sick before
but all I see is the world turning
with new accessories
with patterns and silky, silly faces
like it's the next fashion statement
Is this the new definition of wearing your personality
or flaunting your pain
maybe my words are in vain
the side effects going to my brain
though I can't say
I'm really here today anyway
I've been writing the words to this script for 2 days now
lost in the specifics
I am my heaviest critic
documenting how many times I repeat the same vocabulary
for my synomyns have limits
while my antonyms are non existent
Should I adapt acronyms
no, I just needed an excuse to rhyme one more time
I'm only letting my lyrics run amok
I'm simply stuck like snow feels like gum
crumbling under my shoes
I have a burning in my chest I want to put out
but I have to fan the flames
make it brighter
to burn out all the gas and liquid
infecting my lungs, infecting my moods
so I can finally be ok with being me
Acceptance is hard for me
I feel like I belong nowhere
that's nothing new, I've made it my main topic of depiction
my year's rage
but that's because I've disowned myself I assume
look at me now, prescribing my own doom
without a second thought
because these thoughts won't find a way to turn off
I need a quiet, happy place
I need to be alone
the conclusion I've arrived to
the conclusion that won't leave me
the advise of my wandering mind
but my heart says love should be my guide
yet my love exists no more
just a vacant space where she once sat
like a cat, my heart then attaches it to the next person who can captivate it
yet no one stands out
no one really says anything
so the cape speaks for me
the white knight armor and steed
runs for me, in whichever speed it deems necessary
I have no purpose or motive
I don't know where to be or go
why I should have a say so
I personally let out like a bellow
This is reminiscent of my 18th year
where I kept chasing skirts even though I knew it hurt
I'm basically doing the same
wearing the same pain like a badge of dishonor
losing all my color
fading to blue, when I should be shining royal purple
I should treat myself like the Kings I grew up watching
that I once wanted to be
but I've no royal blood within me
I have no special qualities
I'm just your average ordinary 25 year old
approaching 26 rapidly
without my say so
I'm losing time, everyone around me
is happy
married with a family
while I'm missing a piece
a puzzle I can't complete
simply here with my animal instincts
staring at female butts, wanting sex
but all I really crave is stability
starting a family, and being happy
This feels like a hex
but ignore me, I know this is normal
I swear this is normal
if it's not, then I have to acknowledge what I already know
I'm the odd one
and no one really understands me
this isn't angst
this is just the truth as I see it
But I must leave you
my lunch break is over
so I guess for now, my thoughts are through

© Crowthepoet