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The Lone Samurai.
I've heard that spiritually, we choose the person who will be us when we come into this world. I had seen the Life before me once, shown to me when I was very small. The labor, the heart aches, the horror and trials that lay before me... and I begged for them to take me with them. I didn't want to go back down there. Back to the gravitational pull, to the unavoidable path that lay before me. My heart was broken first, a very long time ago indeed.
"That's just not how this works." Is what I heard in my mind as I was suddenly vacuumed from behind me, back to where I was before in an instant.
Born premature by 5 weeks, and weighing less than 5lbs I had to remain in the hospital until I gained some weight. I don't know how long it took. Camp LeJeune Military Base hospital it says on one of my birth certificates.
I was born Leasure. Adopted into Haar. Then adopted again into Peacock, even though I had been honest with my mother when she asked me if I wanted that man to be my dad. I had no reason at all to doubt what my gut was telling me.
Well, then it was raining. And then he was crying. Out in the rain. If she didn't care what I had to say, didn't believe me when I told her he tried to drown me, then why didn't she go out with an umbrella instead of making me do it? I even had to say "sorry". I don't know what for. I hadn't done anything wrong.
So traumatized I was at 4 yrs old, that this as well as many other incidents where someone was trying to literally do away with me, and make it look like an accident were shoved way into the subconscious recesses of my mind that I wouldn't have the ability to understand, or have all these weird puzzle pieces suddenly fit together in my mind and almost fall to my knees.... until much later in life. Approximately 50 yrs later. All it took was one Japanese word and it was as if someone had grabbed a loose yarn from my sweater and pulled so hard it spun me around and I had to grab onto something to keep myself standing upright.
All the years I cried myself to sleep. All the years he killed my pets. Stole my things. Ruined my peace of mind. Super glued an aluminum bracket to the crossbar of a men's bicycle that was way too big for me so that I would impail myself on it... built a tiny shed, right under a tree and large branch so I would want to climb the tree and likely fall... which I did. Placing a tiny bamboo cage up so high right above his makeshift desk, so I would have had to climb up on a bar stool type stool and get up on my tip toes to reach the bottom of the cage...which I knew immediately was unsafe and ridiculous... Or trying to blame me for killing that rooster in Hayama, Japan before we had to move to Higashi Zushi.
Suddenly being forced to always eat everything off my plate, not be held anymore. Not being allowed to play, or to take a nap on the long train rides early in the morning into the city.
My existence now was to begin bussing the table before everyone else was done eating. Beginning at age 4, having to climb up on a chair to wash all the dishes, pots and pans and have them inspected. Only to have to wash all of them over again if he found anything anywhere on them.... I wasn't just crying myself to sleep at night. I cried all the time.
The beating that left me with more scars on my backside, because I wasn't supposed to talk unless called upon in class. That's one incident I will never forget. I was made fun of, humiliated, and scorned.
But, all these things... and much much more were never enough to prepare me for what I would have to endure when I had my own children.
He's spent countless years grooming my children to turn their backs on me as they grew up. To direct their blame, anger, and malintent towards me.
Now that many more years have gone by, I'm so alone. I still remember the heartache. I still remember his hands around my throat, in the dark at night when I needed the comfort of my mother's arms. I still remember how he would sneak past my room and scare the life out of me if he heard my breathing and determined I wasn't asleep yet. I remember his repeated attempts at brainwashing me, every night for a certain number of nights in a row to make sure his evil intentions on a tiny little girl would seep into my brain. "I would always make the wrong choice, the wrong decision and I wouldn't know why...." was repeatedly said and made me repeat it back to him every night as I was trying to go to sleep.
I am a warrior. I have had no choice, but to be one. I will never lie about what happened to me. I thought I could at least bring up my children to know that I loved them, no matter what. I was wrong. I'm a lone Samurai. My soul holds me accountable for what I do in this life. I'm not a lier. The truth will come out in the end. It always does. I can only hope that someday after he is dead and gone, that they might remember all I've done.
© All Rights Reserved
"That's just not how this works." Is what I heard in my mind as I was suddenly vacuumed from behind me, back to where I was before in an instant.
Born premature by 5 weeks, and weighing less than 5lbs I had to remain in the hospital until I gained some weight. I don't know how long it took. Camp LeJeune Military Base hospital it says on one of my birth certificates.
I was born Leasure. Adopted into Haar. Then adopted again into Peacock, even though I had been honest with my mother when she asked me if I wanted that man to be my dad. I had no reason at all to doubt what my gut was telling me.
Well, then it was raining. And then he was crying. Out in the rain. If she didn't care what I had to say, didn't believe me when I told her he tried to drown me, then why didn't she go out with an umbrella instead of making me do it? I even had to say "sorry". I don't know what for. I hadn't done anything wrong.
So traumatized I was at 4 yrs old, that this as well as many other incidents where someone was trying to literally do away with me, and make it look like an accident were shoved way into the subconscious recesses of my mind that I wouldn't have the ability to understand, or have all these weird puzzle pieces suddenly fit together in my mind and almost fall to my knees.... until much later in life. Approximately 50 yrs later. All it took was one Japanese word and it was as if someone had grabbed a loose yarn from my sweater and pulled so hard it spun me around and I had to grab onto something to keep myself standing upright.
All the years I cried myself to sleep. All the years he killed my pets. Stole my things. Ruined my peace of mind. Super glued an aluminum bracket to the crossbar of a men's bicycle that was way too big for me so that I would impail myself on it... built a tiny shed, right under a tree and large branch so I would want to climb the tree and likely fall... which I did. Placing a tiny bamboo cage up so high right above his makeshift desk, so I would have had to climb up on a bar stool type stool and get up on my tip toes to reach the bottom of the cage...which I knew immediately was unsafe and ridiculous... Or trying to blame me for killing that rooster in Hayama, Japan before we had to move to Higashi Zushi.
Suddenly being forced to always eat everything off my plate, not be held anymore. Not being allowed to play, or to take a nap on the long train rides early in the morning into the city.
My existence now was to begin bussing the table before everyone else was done eating. Beginning at age 4, having to climb up on a chair to wash all the dishes, pots and pans and have them inspected. Only to have to wash all of them over again if he found anything anywhere on them.... I wasn't just crying myself to sleep at night. I cried all the time.
The beating that left me with more scars on my backside, because I wasn't supposed to talk unless called upon in class. That's one incident I will never forget. I was made fun of, humiliated, and scorned.
But, all these things... and much much more were never enough to prepare me for what I would have to endure when I had my own children.
He's spent countless years grooming my children to turn their backs on me as they grew up. To direct their blame, anger, and malintent towards me.
Now that many more years have gone by, I'm so alone. I still remember the heartache. I still remember his hands around my throat, in the dark at night when I needed the comfort of my mother's arms. I still remember how he would sneak past my room and scare the life out of me if he heard my breathing and determined I wasn't asleep yet. I remember his repeated attempts at brainwashing me, every night for a certain number of nights in a row to make sure his evil intentions on a tiny little girl would seep into my brain. "I would always make the wrong choice, the wrong decision and I wouldn't know why...." was repeatedly said and made me repeat it back to him every night as I was trying to go to sleep.
I am a warrior. I have had no choice, but to be one. I will never lie about what happened to me. I thought I could at least bring up my children to know that I loved them, no matter what. I was wrong. I'm a lone Samurai. My soul holds me accountable for what I do in this life. I'm not a lier. The truth will come out in the end. It always does. I can only hope that someday after he is dead and gone, that they might remember all I've done.
© All Rights Reserved
