Looking for the inner me
In the mirror my outer appearance is all I see
I poke and prod
At my lips , at my nose, at the crease lines of my cheesy smile
Always searching for something to improve apon
Vanity and self reclamation is all I’ve ever known
Being ulgy growing up shaped me into what I have always wanted to become
Beautiful but it comes at a price
It sucks cause I always wanted to look the best
I was jealous of all the other boys in my highschool who looked better then me
Attracted more girls
Was a influential figure on their sports team
Won homecoming king
Why can’t that be me?
I was alway so over critical of myself from such a young age
Comparison issues put me in an early self deprecating grave
Over self- analyzation was my biggest enemy and my best friend
2 peas in a pod untill the end
As I’ve grown up I’ve tried changing my form so many countless times
Changed my hair color through so many tires I couldn’t even count them on my finger tips
Got my face pierced in every which way
From my nose to my ears to my cheek bones
Wore make up to hide my outward insecurities
Wore new clothes to cover up my low self esteem
I didn’t like who I was when I was younger
Even though I’ve grown and changed in some ways I feel the exact same
Not worthy, not beautiful enough to attract the wandering eye
That’s why I dress myself up in my ego, to show my outward pride
My outer vanity plainly in sight
No one can hurt me if they can’t see the real me
It’s all an illusion, it’s all an act
I don’t want to cry another watery tear
Don’t want to hear how ulgy I am
Don’t want to be viewed as less than
I dislike how the world judges all of us based on what we look like and not what’s on the inside
Growing up I always wanted to run and hide
Didn’t want to be perceived
Wore my vanity and alter ego as a cloak
Didn’t want to catch all the metaphorical smoke
Couldn’t handle the hatred or the sideways looks
I changed myself so much to fit into a mold I don’t even enjoy anymore
I question who I even am under all these outer layers
The layers I’ve hiden of myself from this judgemental looking world
I still am so jealous to this day of all the pretty people on social media and the other college students I see on the street
Why can’t that just be me?
I want to be them
Maybe they want to be me 2?
We are all sharing this quantifiable vanity
I can’t believe the world had turned me into a 2 dimensional image, I’m so prideful but at the same time a deeply insecure person
I want to jump on a boat and sail away into the unknown
Turn off my phone, throw it into the ocean and drift off
The worlds view of me had burnt me out
I want to be a blob and go to another planet, find a new way to be viewed
Maybe I will have less internal damage
Who knows, i wouldn’t know what beauty is supposed to look like, i wouldn’t have a clue
No more pride or ego or insecurities that could follow me around
These days, my alter ego is even feeling like some fucking clown
I wish my beauty wasn’t skin deep
Not for a face to judge or for a body to be placed in a category
I know I’m beautiful in my own way
And it’s way more then what’s on the outside
But these days being beautiful can feel ulgy
At least to me
Beauty seems to be just pretty cheek bones and fancy makeup and a chiseled or skinny body
Being beautiful is way more than that
Deep down, what’s inside is what really matters
I’m tired of the world putting me on a commercial platter
For others to stick their fingers in and to fondle and to touch
For others to place labels on and to judge
I’d rather be alone then be so fucking emotionally crushed
My beauty is more than skin deep
And so if yours
I wish the world could change faster
Cause I’m feeling so lonely here

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