One positive to come out of this
5 days of early Christmas
this misery festival
the output is varied and consistent
my thoughts wanting to jump on a page
while I forget every time
my thoughts can simply be mine
I don't have to share
indulge the compulsion
to bare my soul to strangers
stranger things have happened
like feeling a stranger in such a familiar body
does my body even belong to me
my name doesn't
and neither does my ideals
it's a collection passed down from media and different species
different intellects and beings
so break the news to me
who am I really
the label nobody haunts me so intimately everytime I choose to scribble it down
Am I hard on myself, maybe
but how would you portray yourself
quiet as a mouse
that until you're obstacle in someone's path
you're existence is unverified
a myth, a bigfoot in disguise
even though you shine a signal into the sky
a lighthouse for incoming ships
but all they do is bombard your shores
with their own wrecks and opinions
never cleaning up the mess
never helping you destress
while they always tell you tales of everyone else
someone else's personal afflictions
having you wonder to yourself
"how does this pertain to me
were you even listening"
How do I feel today
how I've felt all week
a fading figure in the flesh
a waste of space, a failure in his prime
useless and wanting like always
receiving nothing for selfish desires
silence is expected, never golden
embroidered on notery
saying living is easy but never free
feeling old rhetoric come back into reality
product of a fractured mentality
wishing to be burning alive in a furnace
why, when I despise heat
nothing I say makes sense
when grief hits
a bombshell dropped on my doorstep
and I was unprepared
had a friend I grew up with for four years
in my youth
a few years of mixed truths
pass away into the wind
out from under my feet
can't tell you the reason but I found his obituary
I was half hoping it was a dream
some cruel joke played upon me
it was worse knowing the guy I admired and wanted to be
become something I wouldn't believe
a month after seeing his face
now his place is inside a...
I can't finish the sentence
can I stomach food today
it's not my decision
I'm not really hungry, I'm not really here
I'm floating on autopilot
waiting until the clock rings
Is it Sunday yet, can I please go to sleep
positivity was what I was trying to be
but everything can change in a week
it's not snowing but this is a snowball
and I have no fort to defend from the fight
it's Friday today, will I be awake all night
I watch anime to decompress
fly out of my body for 23 minutes
get lost in a story and everything in it
but I have nothing in me to say the least
my head is heavy, hi
the headache is here
I'm really only standing around
robbed of all cheer
yeah this is deja vu
is this really last year
Is it 6 yet, can I just go home
This shouldn't impact me
he was a stranger for years
I shouldn't hate myself for ignorance
blame others for this happening
point fingers to blame
when I can't blame the dead
so here I feel lost instead
Why do I want to die in a furnace
the flames won't purify me
try not to take me seriously
I think I'm just venting
as I'm trying hard not to feel like I'm either gonna throw up or cry
scream at the sky
shout why
like that's how I'll get my answers
from the dead
scream at their ghosts like they'll hear me
deliver what's necessary
when it'll just be silence that greets me
If this is what it means to be in your 20s
please take it back
I'll be 16 again
and someone else can have this misery
from all the people I've grown up with
I know 3 in their graves
and that's 3 too many
Turn me into a balloon
let me float away
sorry to bother you today
this journal page was calling me
and I couldn't ignore it
Can I run away
run headfirst into the stratosphere
into the moon
and suffocate on the surface of my old friend

© Andrus Cassian