It's tiring, with these memories that plague me. The monster at night just stares at me from the room of where it happened, beating me with the pain I hold. My step-father, a cruel man, believed in simple things. His family were monsters and pillars of the community, so no one helped, when this man saw me help a person in need. He saw it as "gay" and that set him off. He needed me to be a man, I didn't know why. So, he beat me, not just any beating. Coming home from school, right when I open the door, a fist always met my face. Ribs were always brused weekly and blacks eyes stayed for awhile, beating me was his pleasure because he believed in what his father did. They believed you could beat the "gay" out of somebody. I was never gay, I loved a girl, but she was near an even scarier monster. I told my step-father that I was in love with this person, and he said "You're gay, you can't love her, you can't because you're no man. Never will be." I told him two words "Fuck off." And there you go, a fist in the face and starved for a week with hour beatings on top of that. When the beatings got too much, I just smiled and said "You're okay" he never broke me because I chose to be me. Even if he perceived it as gay, I just love helping people, and yeah I'm a sensitive guy. There are worse monsters out there, I've seen them. I'm just tired of life, just need sleep... sleep, sleep... not death. I'd never choose death, because I'm worth it. I know I got baggage and yes I sometimes cry because of what they did to me, afterall I warned you that I'm sensitive. A smile does so much, it doesn't hide pain, you can wear it. I wear my pain of being violated, beaten, mentally beaten and forced to watch my love be violated. I understand, more than you realize. I'm not a victim, a survivor, an attention getter or a child. I'm just me, a man that loves to help and desires your smile. A guy who wants to live life and smile. I love my life, I wanna keep learning. So, give that beautiful smile because it helps.
© Process-12