Mobile diary entry 47, season 13
attempting to suppress the urge
the addiction to put on the cape
continue my superhero duties
watching from the cape
near the lighthouse
to see who calls my name
If I may shed my pride and thickheaded skin
may I admit I tire so much from this
I run to the rescue to every burning building
under the presumption that I could somehow put it out
that for whatever reason I with no training
can defuse a bomb before it starts
yet all I do is play therapist
try to allow others to smile and laugh
by reciting all the nonsense I grew up on that allowed me to do the same
but we are not the same
we all have different tastes
so I falter yet still proceed
only to constantly give advice to me
since no one else is really listening
not like I am one to blame them
Rarely ever do I, myself, follow the advice given to by worried voices
though I appreciate their words and concern
like they appreciate mine
I just wish I could do more than type away at a keyboard
when I have already once in memory ran halfway across town in a panic attack to make sure someone was alright
While now I'm sacrificing sleep to numb the tension in my head but also to find a way to save someone
from the notion of wanting to die
but what does a boy on antidepressants
the drug ironically so embedded in my history
even though the pool they cover are deep
this is for me to feel better but young me is screaming
these things have destroyed me near irreparably so now I use them to fix me
so I ask again
what does a boy on antidepressants say to save someone from their ideas
What do I say when I've said everything
planes and miles stop me from running to their doorstep unannounced
banging on their door, to burst through and hug them
planes, miles and money like always stop me from doing anything
I refuse to stand by and twiddle my thumbs
but I'm using my thumbs to type this entry
despondent and distant
four hours of sleep under my belt
thinking under my breath
is this how Kyle felt
yet I'm so afraid to know
I don't want to rediscover that pain again
Kyle was a friend but Maribelle was and means a lot more
Kyle stopped time when he took his life
Maribelle had my world and my heart tied upon a string around her neck
now kept in heart shaped jewelry box
I can't abandon her on my trip to redemption
I can't leave her behind in peril
while I fly away from danger
so how can I move forward without looking back
while trying to keep her on track
I don't know
and that's I guess why I'm writing this
It's become deja vu
she keeps declining, an afterimage of my former self
getting sadder and sadder
dwelling more and more on the things she can't control
praying but losing hope on things around her than helping herself
she keeps declining
while I make steps to release the containment depression has kept me under
to finally rid myself of this
i want to throw away the cape
for I have no more words that can reach the fallen
I know I cant fix what's broken if I don't know what needs to be repaired
I have no good advice to give
I'm not that guy anymore but I want to be
I just don't know where to start
I want to be there and I'm trying my best
but it just gives me flashbacks to November
trying to do everything I can to keep her engaged
exhausting my oxygen
only for her to continue to be listless and lifeless
I know this isnt about me
that this isn't my show
I'm only the supporting cast
her feelings are more important
and I deem it so, you're not wrong
but I'm 25, near 26
it feels like I have a multitude of ulcers in my stomach
from all this worrying
these superhero endeavors I can't turn off
so I manually turn the light off
no more signals tonight
but I know against my better judgement
I'll resume my role, self induce an anxiety attack
when I just want to breathe
Am I wrong to focus on myself for a change
is it selfish to make my health the priority
I don't have the stones to distance myself
I already made it my character
to take all in the negative emotions
the sponge to soak up all the dirty water
so to put myself away means to neglect
and I've been the neglected one on the opposite end
I can't do that to another
here it goes
an endless cycle of give and take
Please just give me back my ability to breathe
I'm tired of these weights in my chest
sitting like dumbbells upon my intestines
give me back my ability to breathe
so I don't panic in front of these strangers that are starting to feel like family
Diary entry 47, poetry year 13
all that exists in my life are parallels
and I can never cut those strings
© Crowthepoet