we stayed up all night, again
for you to risk our safety
a weekend of alcohol and instability

forever asking myself
“why can’t he take these issues -
to a professional?”
instead of being intoxicated and
using a loaded gun to fire and
take it out on a janky old water heating
canister in the basement
leaned against the brick wall -
made of metal?

always seemingly keeping the outside of
the home, so well-kept, neat,
pristine, and pretty -
insuring that the rose-colored privacy
glass-film for the outsiders always peering in,
held up nicely

looking back on several times,
the most observant women in my life -
would question your facade for a moments-
alarming you enough to pretend
to put some effort in and claim to notice
any ‘hidden’ talent, competition,
the Friday night lights -
the rhythmic consistence of my passion
blood, sweat, or tears -

not until the final - my very own senior year,
you pretended to have a proud sparkly look-
you know, the one normal fathers do?

showing up was a love language,
only my mother became fluent in..
her very heart -
has always been my only reason
i ever had a shred of sympathy for his
sadistic ways..

always dreaming of carving a way out of
his personal prison of a hell-hole,
for my mom, sister and i - one day.

always fueled with the
blood, sweat, and tears
as each time you got worse -
my love and sympathy for you alone,
or anyone like has since
depleted.

© a.Soul

_______________________________
#dad #father #family #familyislife #familylove #abuse #toxic #narcissist #daughter