It’s that time of year again
To cry large, watery tears
I savor the way they stream down my face
Breaking the dam of my inner mind
Of my inner world
Letting the water works come out
How healing and freeing it feels
It’s so hard for me to cry sometimes
I get so overwhelmed
Overstimulated
And then I shut down
I shut down so hard
My mind, it’s like a metal trap in the woods
When I catch my prey I latch on, closed shut
I have closed all my negative emotions off so tightly for many years
It’s hard to find how I really feel
And if I do figure out how I feel
My emotions overcome me at full force
I feel like the ocean
My feelings so deep and vast
I can not fully control them
I just try to let them swirl and flow inside me
But what’s inside of me other then this pain, this numbness
I care to much about what others think about me
How they perceive me
Why do I give everyone else all this power
I question why I care so much about what others think about me
And if they dislike me or hate me
It breaks me down even more
I want to shut down and walk away
The trap hanging shut on my injured heart
I know I shouldn’t care what others think
But deep down I do
I have this severe need to want to be accepted
All my life I’ve wanted someone to truly accept me for me
Hold me close
And never let go
But I always let everyone else go when I’m done with them
I throw them into the ocean of my heart
I throw them around a bit
Letting them get smudged between my oceans fingery currents
I then pull them in
Letting them get close
And when I’m done
I spit them out onto the shore
I either get to hurt or I become closed off
I never let them stay in my tidal waves
I am always the one to push someone out
I’m so good at shutting down and pushing everybody I care for away
I crave attention and affection and for others to care about me
But when they get to close
When they hurt my feelings
When I’m perceived in the way that I don’t want to be
I run away
I run away into my ocean of feelings
I swim and I swim
Far out into the unknown
I’m so good at not facing my fears
I’m so good at looking the other way
Walking away and closing the door
I’ve gotten to good at it these past years
Getting older is a double edged sword
I’m bleeding out but also healing my old wounds
Such a monotonous feeling
Like the inner turmoil of emotions I carry with me
Wanting to be loved but to afraid to love
To afraid to be judged
To get hurt; to open my heart up
Feeling like I’m opening myself up to the wrong people
Wanting to escape inside my own ocean
No one can follow me or hurt me
My freedom I desire
But I still bleed
My heart still bleeds for others
I’m so scared of being judged
Of others disliking me
I’m scared of falling apart
And ending up alone
I feel like a turbulent ocean
I push and pull my self apart
I’m not sure why I feel all these feelings so intensely
All these emotions overcrowd my mind and on other days I shut down cause I can’t handle it all
I feel So closed off
Just like that trap on my heart
I keep pushing and pulling at myself
I am the ocean
I keep trying to change the story, to change the narrative in my mind
I keep trying to make new emotions to forget the old ones
But I’m stuck in the same tidal waves
I’m stuck in the same ocean I have been swimming against, to escape,
my entire life



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