Abour a year ago, I was going thru an especially dark time in my life and I just thought that mentally, spiritually and emotionally I was as low as I could get as I entertained thoughts of suicide quite frequently. Then I stood corrected as the guy i lived with and "loved" at the time. Threw me out of his house at 5:30a.m. wearing nothing but a tee shirt and panties and luckily the neighbor was also my best friend so i quickly made my way there.  And then I recieved a message from the guy previously mentioned saying he was burning all my belongings....and he did.  EVERYTHING I OWNED.  And thats when i lost it.  I CRIED FOR HOURS AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I ACTUALLY CURSED GOD AND TOLD HIM I HATED HIM...AND THAT HE WAS A LIAR BECAUSE HE PROMISED HE WOULD NEVER PUT ON US MORE THAN WE COULD HANDLE. Afterwards despite my traumatized and devastated state of being I made myself attempt to find happiness. Well My pursuit failed miserably and  ultimately backfired or so I thought. So on the evening of a particular celebratory holiday my so called bestfriend and new bf at the time and I drove to the lake. We arrived at the crowded boat ramp full of people who were celebrating , partying and awaiting fireworks. The energy of the crowd in reaction to my presence was typical but much more unanimous than I can remember it ever being. the energy coming from every stranger  at me was negative and I couldn't ignore the tone in the voices though I couldn't make out the words as I was mocked and made fun of by random people as I made my way to the water and then my boyfriend (now ex) gave me a kiss good bye and to show his solidarity with the onlookers and for a good laugh, gave me a small but very visible shove towards the kayak to make it known he was ready to get rid of me so he could join in the festivity and be free to do as he pleased. I bit my tongue and humiliatedly paddled quickly along the shore line past the people in boats until it was only me and nature and peace among us. I could no longer hear the mocking or feel the negativity directed at me. I floated adrift for a bit contemplating my next move since I was in no hurry to be the subject of the cruelty of the crowd that was awaiting my return to shore but at the same Time I was not in the right state of mind to be able to enjoy kayaking like I normally would have been doing so I decided to continue kayaking parallel to shore all the way around until I came to the other end of the bridge next to the boat ramp where I started out. I rowed nonstop  which would be undeniably impressive to anyone paying attention to my where-abouts for the jerk. although I never attempted kayaking that much distance nonstop before I knew I wouldn't let myself fail at it and it was my way of reminding myself how awesome I was in spite of the way I was made to feel about myself and to basically rub it in their faces since typically most females would be so worried about what the boyfriend was doing on land with no telling who and hurry back to shore as quickly as possible and I wasn't about to give anyone satisfaction of being right so to me it was the best choice. so even though I was making it obvious I was leisurely rowing my way around I made really excellent timing back to the bridge so to further throw them off I paddled under the bridge to the other side of the Lake and took around another 45 minutes before ruining the fun that was being had at the boat ramp without me and finally putting on my best 'I don't give a fucks who don't like me' face I can muster and still in a weakened state from the horror that was my life and traumatized whether I wanted to be or not, I paddled through the crowd of swimmers that stood in between myself and the way home and predictably they all basically stopped swimming and enjoying themselves to stare at me intimidatingly and show me how much they disapproved of me interrupting their good time by showing back up and in spite of my mask, inside I was crumbling and my fire was being stomped out and my light was fading rapidly and I couldn't help but feel completely rejected, unloved, and unwanted and alone in the world like I didn't have the right to be in the same world that everyone else dwelled and really didn't understand why I was even here in the first place(i.e. the suicidal thoughts afore mentioned) I can tell you it's a very desolate place to be and might i add a difficult feeling to pretend not to feel which I can thank my pride for that ability. anyways as I dragged the kayak on to the grass and stood there alone in the center of what seemed like every single person's awareness and visual attention. I could feel it focused on my reaction to it to measure their power over my life by the effectiveness of their opinions of me had. power hungry egos.  thanks to my pride though even though they had successfully accomplished what they Had intended, I would die before ever letting on that they were Victorious and let them have that satisfaction. so instead of running away  "With my tail tucked between my legs" and hiding out of sight and waiting for my ex to show his face , I walked right back into the water to swim amongst my peers as if I hadn't noticed their condescending energy that they tried so hard to convey so maybe they could feel a little less powerless themselves . Im almost 100% positive my bluff was enough to throw them off . BUT on the inside I was nearly dead. Now to the point I'm getting at...
As I had paddled through the people swimming in the water to get to shore in, retrospect I can remember noticing a face that was like a Beacon for me. my whole world in that moment was dark and unwelcoming and unfriendly to me and it felt as if I couldn't remember a time that it was anything different , but like a light that shined in my darkest hour was these blue- green eyes that locked on to me as soon as I was close enough to be visible to them and as I reflect back I remember being able to feel that very different set of eyes among the rest even before I could physically see them.  not able to know how significant that single friendly face in a crowd of unfriendly faces would be to me.  As me and my kayak passed by her on our way to shore. Her gaze locked on to me as I stood alone on that shore and I'm sure that's why I knew my next move should be to get in the water " with the sharks" and as i was walking back into the Lake I remember her beautiful face became so prominent that it almost was as if there was a spotlight on her face so bright that the rest of the world faded away. I'll never forget her. she was a little bit chubby, not much though and she had red wavy hair and  blue green eyes and as if she had known me her whole life, she made her way towards me as I made my way into the water at the same time.  as soon as we were face-to-face she began asking me questions about myself like she'd been wanting to know the answers her entire life and was finally getting the chance to ask me and as I gave her simple, honest answers she'd tell me a little bit about herself.  it was like we had magnetized to each other and from the outside looking in if you didn't know any better you would have assumed we had came there together or we're family or something.  her warmth and friendliness and welcoming and admiring presence out shined every other presence in my awareness to the point that it was like it was only she and I. And we played, just like two carefree  unjaded souls.  she asked me how deep the water was and if I was touching bottom... so to respond in a light hearted  Comprehendible, playful way... instead of telling her, I showed her ...by sinking flat footed on the bottom so that the water was over my head but stretched my hands toward the sky to show her that it was pretty deep and expressed safety concerns to her without saying a word. when my face resurfaced her eyes got huge like she didn't expect it to be so deep and we both giggled and swam back to the shallower water closer to shore. But that's when my eyes spotted the jerk,  finally walking along the bank, acting like he'd been looking for me the whole time and finally found me.  regretfully, without turning back toward the little girl I got out of the water so that I could finally, gracefully exit the nightmare of that experience and on to the next nightmare experience, lol...but in my haste I very selfishly left without telling her good bye or even looking back in her direction and I regret that very much. I reflect back on that entire occurence as often as I can and still feel her light and love just by remembering what happened. she honestly saved my soul and Healed something in me that was breaking the second I seen her face. she might as well had been an angel God had sent to me in the exact moment that life was about to be too much for me to handle and saved me. it was GOD keeping his promise... even though I had spoke words of hate at him...it was him doing what he/she/ universe/source  or whatever you prefer to label it as, does for us all but maybe we are too wrapped up in our own misery to grab the outstretched hands he Extends to our drowning souls to save us when it's just to the exact point of being more than we can handle... like was promised.  I'll never forget her face. I'll always regret not telling her bye. she saved me and she has no clue. she was just being her beautiful, innocent self and shining her light full blast like kids do unawaringly before the world has started chipping away at it...and that's how God speaks to us all.  learn to speak the language, it's a beautiful thing, I promise...
© Warrior/Goddess