Ever since I was little I knew I was different... I learned to walk on my toes, my hips swayed in ways unnatural to a child. I can remember my mother thought it was cute and pointed it out to everyone. She was very understanding in some regards but in others; I didn't even realize what she was doing was abuse. From a very young age I was taught to mask certain things, while others were just considered a character trait. I can remember my first friend having been very kind and loving hugs; I didn't think anything of it at the time but realize now she had severe learning disabilities. My mother had setup a playdate one day and from then in we were besties. No one ever got me tested but it seemed they knew I wouldn't be able to function on my own. Once I got a little older, I can remember in grade school, I never had trouble making friends but it was pretty obvious I couldn't do the things others did. In third grade I stopped participating in gym... We were playing soccer and I was having a really good time so I thought I was doing well, but my friend informed me I had already kicked her three times and told me to go stand in center field. That was the first time I ever felt ostracized for being different and I promised myself I wouldn't feel that way again... But I did, often... When I turned thirteen my father took me to a Halloween party... This was very unusual for him because he was still a Jehovah's witnesses at the time. I can remember being told by him I didn't know how to smile. I spent most of my young adult life in the bathroom from this point. I can remember lots of things I think I blocked out, like at fifteen when I would be told to find someone to take care of me, because my brother who has fetal alcohol syndrome thinks I may be learning disabled. I would practice makeup and facial expressions for hours every day, at the age of around 30 I think I finally figured out how to smile with teeth and it look natural but it still feels ick even to this day.


© Ray-N-Lawn
#autism #neurodiversity #adhd #unmask #healing #trauma #awareness #mentalhealth #truestory #growth