“Tour time!” Jack’s voice boomed over the endless office. He was standing in the doorway, dressed in a different red suit than the one he was wearing in the morning, and he looked different. There was a reddish glow in his dark brown eyes and a mischievous smile on his face that he couldn’t get rid of. Yes, the meeting with Andrea went good, he thought to himself. She got what she deserved. And she’ll continue to do so for eternity.
Alfie popped up from behind one of the many filing cabinets. He had a black eye and seemed sadder than he was when he first came in. His shoulders were hunched forward and he looked like he was in pain.
“What happened to you?” Jack asked, amused.
“A filing cabinet fell on me.” the elf answered simply, stapling two papers together. He didn’t complain, which annoyed Jack. He fed off people's negative feelings and complaints. He loved to hear them bitch and moan about their jobs in Hell and gossip about the other souls trapped in there. It was fun, and it gave him the power he needed to get through the day.
“Let’s give you a tour of the place,” Jack said, looking not-so-enthusiastic now.
The elf let out a small ‘okay’, put the paper down and followed the devil into the hallway.
“Here, you’ll need this.” the devil said handing Alfie a notepad.
“What for?”
“You need to take notes. Have you forgotten already? Sometimes you’ll have to give tours to newbies, when I’m busy. So better pay attention now!” Jack warned him, handing the elf a pen and warning him with the index finger.
Jack started walking down the hall, Alfie barely keeping up with him.
“So the deal is: everybody gets a bedroom, where they can sleep after their work for the day is done. Workdays are from 9 am to 8 pm, with a one hour break at 1 pm for lunch. You are not to leave your job outside the lunch break, no matter what happens. There are no weekends, so you work 7 days a week. Are you writing this down?” he asked, stopping and turning towards the elf.
“Yes. Does this apply to everyone, regardless of their job?”
“Obviously,” the devil frowned, starting to walk again. “You fulfill your duties, you get your daily share of torture, and not even for a single second dare to think that you can get away with slacking!” he warned the man. “I have eyes everywhere in this place, and faithful devils who are watching you even when you think you’re completely alone in a room! What you do outside the working hours is completely up to you, provided you do not try to use your spare time to cross me or out-maneuver me!” he continued, stopping in front of a door which said ‘IT’.
“IT? As in...the clown?” Alfie asked, starting to tremble.
“Ha, no!” Jack let out a laugh that made the walls shake. “This is our IT department” he said between laughs, opening the door.
Alfie peeked in the empty room. The walls were a bland, grey color, and the only furniture in the department was a desk and a chair, with a man sitting on it. He was tapping furiously on the keyboard of a computer, not taking notice of the guests.
“Who is that?” Alfie whispered.
“Oh, that’s the guy that made the dark web a thing.” Jack whispered back. “His duty is to fix our internet conexion.”
“I didn’t know you had internet in Hell.” Alfie replied, impressed.
“Oh, we don’t,” the devil turned his head to Alfie, a wicked smile on his face. “That’s the whole point!” he giggled. “Anyway, let’s move on!”
As they were leaving the IT department, Alfie turned to see the computer man stare back at them, a tortured and frustrated look on his face, angry tears streaming down his cheeks.
“I can’t find the problem!” he yelled, as Jack slammed the door shut. The man’s sobs could be heard from the hallway, and Alfie had a hard time peeling his eyes off the closed door and following Jack. The devil seemed pleased with the IT man’s reaction, as he continued his journey down the hall, towards the next door. The elf followed him, sneaking looks towards the room they’ve just left.
“Adolf Hitler?” he asked, surprised, looking at the door Jack stopped in front of.
“Well of course!” the devil replied, rolling his eyes. “You didn’t expect him to go to Heaven now, did you?” he laughed. “He’s quite the celebrity here, people come and visit him all the time. It’s mostly for their own entertainment rather than his!” he continued, opening the door for the elf.
A meter away from the door was a gate, keeping the man away from any potential visitors. Alfie pointed to the gate, and the devil answered:
“It’s for the visitor’s protection.”
The room beyond the gate was dark, and at first it looked like nobody was in there. But soon enough, the silhouette of a man formed. He rushed to the gate, angry eyes and hands reaching through the bars, trying to catch the elf. The devil put a hand on Alfie’s shoulder, pushed him towards the gate, which made his heart skip a beat, then pulled him away. Jack giggled at Alfie's reaction as the man continued screaming in German, trying so hard to grab the elf, looking like he wanted to kick the living crap out of him.
“Don’t take it personally,” Jack explained nonchalantly, “he has beef with everybody. You see, when he first came to Hell I didn’t know what punishment to give him, but then I saw how he reacted when he met a Jewish person and got an idea.” he continued, giggling.
Alfie’s eyes widened in shock. “You’ve put a spell on him and now he thinks everybody’s Jewish?”
“Yup, it’s quite fun to watch him lose his shit whenever he gets visitors.” Jack laughed. The harder the devil laughed, the angrier Hitler seemed to become, to the point where he was grabbing the bars and rattling them. The whole gate was shaking and it looked like it wouldn’t last for long, but Jack didn’t seem to be bothered by that. He was still laughing.
“He gets about 1000 visitors a day, minimum,” the devil explained. “So your duty will be to organize those visits every day, make sure you hit the 1000 target. And don’t get lazy and send them in groups! One by one!” Jack said, putting his index finger up as a warning.
The clanking of the metal bars was deafening, and Alfie wished he could have covered his ears from the noise. He was afraid of what the devil might say if he did that, so instead he nodded, while cringing at the rattling of the bars.
“Okay,” Jack said happily, “let’s move on!”
“As you can see,” the devil said, gesturing towards his surroundings as he was walking down the hall, “Hell isn’t a walk in the park for anybody...well, except for me,” he giggled. “But that’s the whole point of it. And the sooner people accept that they’ve come here because of their sins, the better, but you still get the odd one who thinks they don’t belong here. Those people cannot be put together with the general population, so we have here a special section for them.” Jack continued, pointing towards a hall on the right. “They are heavily guarded by my disciples, and do not leave the area. We do not want them to mix with other people and instill their stupid beliefs on them.” he explained with a grimace. “We also have a special place in Hell for lawyers.”
“Why?” Alfie asked, taking notes.
“Again, for the same reason as these other guys,” Jack replied nodding towards the hall. “They will try and convince the other souls that there are loopholes in their work contracts, and before we know it they could start a riot. These egocentric idiots really forget that they’re dealing with the ruler of Hell, and my power is larger than their feeble minds can even imagine!” he continued, clenching his jaw and fists. “I can’t even put them in normal jobs, so they just lounge around like a bunch of lazy pricks all day long. Except for when is torture time.” a smile finally appeared on the devil’s face. “The lawyers are not on the tour, by the way.” he added, and Alfie scratched the information he wrote down about the lawyers.
“Then, just as a precaution, I have Cerberus here,” Jack gesticulated towards a floor-to-ceiling red gate just a few steps ahead. “Close enough to both the people who think they don’t belong here and the lawyers. If my devils sound the alarm that somebody escaped their department, the gates to Cerberus open up and he’s let loose on them.”
“Ce-Cer-Cerberus?” Alfie stuttered, suddenly afraid.
“A parting gift, when my brother, Hades, retired.” Jack explained, smiling. “It was his dog, but he doesn’t need it anymore.”
“Is that the three-headed dog from Greek Mythology?” the elf asked, shaking to the core.
“The one and only!” Jack smiled, then he put his hand to his forehead. “Oh, yeah, I just remembered, in your file it was mentioned that you are afraid of Cerberus!" he started giggling. "Something about your older brother pranking you when you were a child?”
Alfie nodded, whimpering.
“He made two heads out of a carton and glued them to the house dog, set him loose on you,” Jack laughed hard, reminiscing what he read in Alfie’s file. “I wish I could meet the guy, that prank was hilarious!” he then pulled out a black notebook from his pocket and skimmed through it. "Oh, it looks like I'm gonna meet him in the next 2 years or so!", he said joyfully. Alfie gasped.
“Anyway,” Jack continued without taking any notice of Alfie’s shock, “What does the devil have to do around here to get a sandwich?” he said loud enough to create an echo around the halls.
Within 5 seconds a food cart appeared from a hallway to the left, pushed by an old lady. She was barely seen from behind the piles of food the cart was carrying. Anything Alfie could dream of was on it: from warm, hearty soup, vegetables, steak and potatoes, caviar to lovely pastries and well decorated cakes. It smelled amazing too and everything looked like it was freshly cooked, steam rising up from the piles of food towards the high ceilings of Hell. Jack grabbed a plate sealed with plastic film that had his name on it, while Alfie was still studying the foodcart, not believing his eyes.
“It’s lunchtime,” Jack said simply, “grab something before Bertha takes this to the Great Hall!”
The devil then reached out to the cart for a plate full of raw meat. “That’s for Cerberus”, he clarified, turning towards the large gate. Alfie followed and as soon as his eyes fell on the gate he whimpered - three pairs of big black eyes were watching him intently. Cerberus was definitely more scary-looking than his brother made it out to be! It was about 5 metres tall, dwarfing Jack, and the angels Alfie saw in Sorting, and drool was pouring out of all its three mouths. The middle head of the large dog sniffed the air, watching the meat Jack was holding, while the other two were still busy studying Alfie.
“He’s no food, Cerberus!” Jack warned the three-headed dog. The two heads that weren’t watching the devil before turned towards him and let out a small growl that sent shivers down Alfie’s spine. Jack threw the first slab of meat and the middle head moved forward to grab it. The other two latched onto it and tried to pull it away, but with no success. Jack threw the second and then the third piece.
“Here you go, you dumb beast!” he muttered, watching the dog chew its food. The three heads lifted menacingly towards the devil, a growl making its way through the throats.
“It’s a term of endearment!” Jack defended himself, rolling his eyes and raising both his arms, one of which was holding his sandwich. Cerberus let out another, smaller, warning growl then returned to its food. “Who wants some belly rubs?” the devil asked, trying to get back on the dog’s good side. Only one of the heads rose up, apprehensively. “You?” Jack asked in a sweet, melodic voice, “you want some belly rubs?” he continued approaching the gate with one arm out, reaching towards the animal. The head growled once more, loud enough to stop Jack on his track. “Alright then,” he said annoyed, “no need to be angry, it’s not like I’ve asked you to give me a kidney!” he continued. “Speaking of kidneys,” he then turned towards Bertha, the food cart lady, “How’s Margaret? I heard she had an accident while feeding Cerberus this morning.”
“She’s alright, sir,” the woman said respectfully. Alfie got a hunch that the only reason she was respectful towards Jack was out of fear. “She lost a good bit of the right side of her body, including her kidney.” the woman continued, shivering at the thought of Margaret’s injury.
“Ah, she’ll be fine tomorrow,” Jack replied, making a gesture with his hand like this was nothing. “She shouldn’t have messed up with my dinner last night!” he continued, raising his index finger to warn Bertha. “I hope she learns her lesson! Anyway, you” he then pointed at Alfie, “get something to eat before we continue our tour!”
Alfie complied without saying a word. He gave the cart a good look before deciding on one of the biggest scones from the platter of pastries. With hungry eyes he measured the scone, then took a large bite. Almost in an instant he spat out the food and dropped the cake on the floor. Maggots rushed out of the bite Alfie made and scattered all over the floor, while the elf was forcing himself to puke whatever little pieces he managed to swallow. Jack was watching all this while leaning onto Cerberus’ gate and eating his sandwich nonchalantly - no maggots were coming out of his food.
“No need to be this dramatic!” the devil rolled his eyes, stepping towards the doubled-over elf, “this is how all food in Hell is, see?” he continued, lifting up a few cakes from the cart, to show him that they all had little worms coming out of them. Alfie retched at the sight of the food. “You’ll get used to it - everybody does.” Jack said patting Alfie’s back in a friendly way.
“It looks good, it also tastes good,” Bertha interfered, “the maggots are just...extra protein.” she said with a toothless smile. “Margaret and I used to be chefs before we passed away. Really good chefs!” She continued, pumping her chest forward with pride.
“Part of Bertha and Margaret’s punishment is to cut pieces of themselves everyday and put them into the food.” Jack clarified, “That’s why they have maggots - some pieces are quite old.”
“But it tastes just as good as your own liver or kidney!” Bertha continued, smiling with pride.
“See, it’s not that bad!” Jack said picking up the scone Alfie dropped and giving it back to him. “Now, let’s continue our tour! And you,” he said pointing his half eaten sandwich at Bertha, “take this to the Great Hall before it gets cold!”
The woman nodded while putting what looked like superhuman effort into pushing the big, heavy cart towards the hall. Jack started walking slowly towards the gate again. He stopped to watch the three-headed dog as it was just finishing up its lunch, while Alfie was left behind, looking down at the maggot-infested scone in his hand, wondering if he would die of starvation if he refused to eat anything.
“I know what you’re thinking!” Jack almost sang the words at the elf. “You’re thinking you’re never going to eat the food in here, what an ‘original’ thought!” he continued, with sarcasm in his voice. “You wouldn’t be the first nor the last person to go on this hunger strike here! But you will give in eventually.” Jack said, turning to watch his pet again. “You all do.” he fake-sighed. “Everybody has a breaking point and I’m really looking forward to finding yours,” he continued, a mischievous smile appearing on his face, “Oh, and how much fun I’m gonna have when I find it!”
“Anyway, let’s continue our tour!”

© diana.b
#Ficition #fiction #FictionWorld