It was just another routine day for Sarita. Wake up in the morning, instruct the cook and the servants about what to do. Serve breakfast to husband. Kiss him as he leaves for work. Paint in her workshop for the rest of the day to consume her time. Have lunch alone with the television blaring about the animosities among the leading political party rulers. And where there were water shortage problems. Where the lack of coordination and responsibilities of the traffic police had caused a gruesome accident with loss of lives altogether. And welcome Arjun with another kiss when he came back home, have dinner with him, talk and retire to the bedroom. Sometimes make love before falling asleep. And sometimes directly fall asleep. And along with all of this to accompany her personally, was a
feeling of emptiness, that had been with her for so long that she almost considered it a part of her existence. Except for the times when the void within her engulfed her and she didn’t feel whether life was worth the try or not.

Today was one such day. She laid down on the bed hoping never to have to get up, when Arjun turned over and kissed her forehead and whispered “Wake up love, the cook is waiting for your instructions.” And she did. She got up because she didn’t want Arjun to think there was something wrong with her, to realize that she wasn’t returning his selfless love exactly as she was supposed to. No, she wasn’t cheating on him, she never had, neither was she misusing his money or anything like that. But still there was a major part of her subconsciousness that just screamed and filled her system with guilt every time she looked at her husband and interpreted the look in his eyes which depicted nothing but love and adoration. Maybe it was the void within her which she knew Arjun would never be able to fulfill, even though he was her husband. It wasn’t that Sarita didn’t know the reason why she felt this emptiness, she just wasn’t ready to accept it yet, even after 8 years. She didn’t think she would ever be able to. So, she just had to go about life incorporating the void into her existence just as she had incorporated HIM.

̅ “Amla di aaj aloo ke parathe aur gobhi ki saabzi bana dena subhe ko, lunch ka baad mein batati hoon.”
̅ “Jee memsaab”.

Sarita was sitting in the balcony with Arjun and sipping her morning coffee, thinking about nothing in particular,
when Arjun said, “Jaan, don’t you know think we are missing someone, whom we should welcome in our family
now?” Even though she knew what Arjun meant she asked, “Whom are you talking about?”

“Sarita, I am asking that shouldn’t we start a family now; I mean its already been four years since we got married
na?”

This was supposed to feel good, this conservation about having a child, becoming a mother was supposed to be relieving, especially when you’re married and already thirty. But she felt devastated, scared, forced and horrified. Why? She had no answer. Did she not love Arjun? Yes, she did. Didn’t she want to be a mother? Yes, she did. Was Arjun not her husband? Yes, he was. Then why this hesitation? Why did she feel like she would be hurting and demeaning someone if she had a child with her husband? She was so lost in these thoughts that; she had forgotten Arjun was patiently waiting for an answer. There must’ve been something in her expression that he just patted her shoulder and said “Hey I’m not going to force you or anything, okay? Just think about it hmmm?” “Ummm Arjun
could you give me a week to think about it?” “A week? Okay, fine.”
.........*.....................*.....................*..................*...........*......

Driving along the road Mohit was thinking about the succesfull meeting he had with the client. When all of a sudden his eyes went to the picture of him and his one and only love of life. It had been eight years since their relationship had ended. He hadn't moved on. He didn't even intend to do so.

It was his fault, that they got separated. He didn't deserve her. All these thoughts brought about innumerous high tide waves of guilt to wash the shores of his sub-conciousness. It shouted with every wave, "You're to blame, you did it, you do not have the right to even think about her, she is happier without you, you deserve to die alone." All of this brought back memories, happy memories. Him and HER walking on the shores, holding their hands. Sometimes laughing, sometimes kissing, and sometimes making intense love. And then that drastically devastating fateful night, that changed his life. He sighed.

Would Sarita have forgiven him, if he told her the truth? Would she have loved him just the same? Maybe he could have just apologized instead of leaving her. Anyway there was no use of thinking these now, it had already been so long and for God's sake she was married to someone else. He diverted his thoughts before tears resurfaced.
But still his eyes stuck to their picture. Mohit in his state of unmindfullness missed the sign on the road that said "U TURN BOULDER AHEAD".

By the time when he noticed the boulder it was too late, he tried to dodge the boulder. But his car skidded across the Highway and fell into the ditch nearby instead.

Trampled inside the car, between the car ceiling and the weight of the seat. Mohit struggled to breathe. His could feel his nose and ears getting moist with something red. He realized what it was. He realized that his existence in the world wasn't for much longer. So he wanted to shout her name for one last time But he couldn't move an inch. He slowly felt the bitter taste of death filling his system.

"Finally", he thought. "Finally I will be free."

..................*...............*.................*.....................*.......................*..........

Sitting in her workshop with a paintbrush in her hand, she was staring blankly at the already blank canvass in
front of her. She was clueless about what to paint. Nothing absolutely nothing was striking her that she could bring to life with colors except for HIS face. This had happened about quite a number of times in the past 8 years. She had ignored it. Earlier because she wanted to forget him and now because she was married to another man. She had succeeded most of the times. But today seemed a bit different. She felt weak to the power of the approaching memories, too weak to deny her past entrance into her present. Unknown to her control she drowned herself in her past and automatically her hands started to work on the creation of something divine on the canvass.

It was only after she finished painting, she realized what a blunder she had made. What she had painted, rather whom she had painted…. It was a portrait of Mohit. The man who once had completed her and then suddenly left her with an unbearable void that still refused to leave her. She now hated this face, which once had been the bane of her existence. She had consoled herself for the past 8 years by repeatedly telling her heart she was over him. That she had overcome the pain she had felt then. But looking at the portrait, she herself had created and those eyes, she had been proven wrong, so wrong. She remembered the broken promises that these pair of eyes and their possessor had made. She didn’t know when she had burst into tears. It wasn’t before the conjugation of afternoon into evening that she could control herself. Now the question was what would she do with the painting? She couldn’t keep it, it would slowly destroy her. And she couldn’t let Arjun see it for that would destroy her marriage, the only thing left in her life worth living for. And her heart did not let her destroy the painting. So, the only option was to hide it. She hid it behind all the other paintings.

That evening Sarita was apprehensive about Arjun wanting to go to her workshop even though he hardly visited it. So, for maybe the first time since their marriage, after dinner when Arjun asked her about her day, she silenced him with a lingering kiss on his lips. When the kiss ended, she looked into his eyes, took his hand and led him to the bedroom. In the dead of the night she looked at Arjun sleeping naked beside her and cried silently and apologetically for using love to mask her hideous secret.

The next morning after Arjun left for work, Sarita sat in front of the portrait. Anger was brimming from every
pore of her existence. Hating the person in it for influencing her life so much even though he was long gone from it.“I have to destroy the painting once and for all.” She thought. But this was easier said than done. The thought of hurting even a picture of Mohit seemed like a heinous crime for her. But she thought of Arjun, of how he had loved her. How he had not questioned her character when she had said that she wasn’t a virgin on their wedding night. “No” she thought. She had to destroy this portrait of this man, who had destroyed her innocence, for the sake of that man who had constantly tried to gift that back to her. She drenched the painting with oil and was about to light the matches when her cell started to ring. It was an unknown number. She didn’t receive it. But the same number called her for about two more times. On the fourth time she picked it up and answered in an unsure tone “Hello.”

“Am I talking to Mrs. Sarita Arjun Goenka?” asked a curt and formal voice.
“Yes.” She replied.
“Sorry to disturb you ma’am, I am Adv. Amit Gupta, Mr. Mohit Rathore’s lawyer.”
“Okay, but why are you calling me, I haven’t usurped his money or anything at all.”
“I’m well aware of that ma’am, please do let me finish.”
“Okay please go on Sir.” She nearly whispered with her heart in her mouth and baited breathe.
“Mr. Rathore had met with an accident yesterday and as per his will he wants you to have a letter that he wrote and
there are some other formalities that can only be taken care of if you come to Roorkee once.”
Sarita was shocked and devastated “Is Mohit alive?” she asked tears streaming down her face.
“Yes, ma’am he is, for now. But the doctors are saying he won’t be for much longer. So, on a personal note as well, I would advise you to visit him once as soon as possible for he really loves you.”

Mohit loves me, Mohit really loves me. This ordeal was something that Sarita couldn’t digest now. She looked at the
painting. If he loved me why did he end our relationship? Where was he all these years? Why did he ignore me whenI begged him to come back to me? And most importantly the man in the painting who had silently loved her all theseyears was dying. She had to go. She had to see him one last time. But what about Arjun? She would explain
everything to him later. She just had to go.

Sarita got into the car and on the way to the railway station called Arjun, and said that a family member of a close friend had expired and she had to urgently go there. The urgency and deliberation in her voice didn’t let him ask her any questions. He just told her to stay safe and come back home as soon as possible. The entire journey, from Saharanpur to Roorkee she ardently kept praying to keep Mohit alive at least till she reached there so that she could see him last time.

She reserved an autorickshaw from the station, and reached the hospital six hours after Mr. Gupta had called her.
All the while hoping her prayers had been answered. She just wanted to feel those eyes on her once, to see him once, to hear his voice once and to feel his hand caressing her cheek the last time. She raced to the reception and asked the ward number of the patient Mohit Rathore. “107” replied the receptionist. She ran to the stairs and towards the ward. But the sight that greeted her made her want to wretch out. Told her that God had been
merciless and had paid no heed to her cries.

Nirmala auntie, Sujit uncle, her once presumed to be in laws were there. Auntie was crying uncontrollably and uncle looked as if nothing was left in him that was alive. Her knees were struggling just as hard to support her as her mind was trying to absorb the fact that Mohit was no more. With steps that felt heavier than lead she neared the room where her first love and desired’s lifeless body lay.

She entered the room. They had already covered the body with a white cloth. Mustering up all the courage that she had, she removed it. The state of Mohit’s injured face made her yelp and she snapped, she broke down and her legs buckled up. She fell to the ground and cried holding the bedsheet.

Just within half an hour of her arrival, Mohit’s body was taken for cremation. She didn’t go along. She didn’t want to see her Mohit being burned to ashes in front of her. She was sitting in the hospital. She wasn’t crying anymore. She just felt numb and the void now felt like the only thing that completed her. Her thoughtless stupor was brought to end when a man in white shirt and black trousers
patted her shoulder. She stood up. “Are you Mrs. Goenka?” the man asked.
“Yes” she replied.
“I am Mr. Gupta. It was me who called you.”
“Oh, yes Sir how can I help?”
“No, you don’t need to help me, its just that Mr. Rathore left you this letter and all the earnings of his life.”

She had thought nothing else would shock her more than the news of Mohit’s death but she was proven wrong. Mohit had left his earnings and savings in her name?
“Ummm Sir the letter I will take it but, Sir I can’t possibly accept the money, what about his parents.”
“His parents already know.”
“Oh,”
“Here’s the letter ma’am.” Mr. Gupta gave the letter to Sarita and she accepted it with trembling hands.
“And as for the money, I think I know what you can do with it, if you are what Mr. Rathore described you as.”
“What can I do with it?”
“There’s an orphanage nearby.”

For the first time since she lost Mohit, she smiled genuinely from within. Yes, she would donate the money there. That would be a great respect to Mohit’s memory. After further discussions Mr. Gupta showed her the documents and they decided to meet at the orphanage the next day. Mr. Gupta promised to bring the cheque.

Sarita booked herself a hotel to stay at night. After taking a bath and changing. She took the letter and opened it
slowly…….

Dear Saru,
If you are reading this then maybe I have left the world or am about to leave it. Which ever it may be. I am happy
that I am finally getting released from this life of guilt. I can finally scream and say that Sarita, my Saru ILOVE
YOU. I always have and I always will. Now the question is that if I love you then why did I end our relationship? Guilt
Saru. It was guilt. Remember the day I brokeup with you, that was the day I had planned to propose you. But my parents
had never accepted you. So they did something that I could never become yours.

The previous night they had called over Priya, you know the girl they had chosen for me. They secretly had urged her
to come close to me. And we were having a wild party and celebrating my brother’s birthday. As I was happy as well as
excited about proposing you to become mine forever the next day. I got really drunk. And to my utter self-disgust and self - hatred, next morning I found myself, next to Priya in bed.

I was nauseated and horrified about everything. I realized that carrying on a relationship with you after that would be disrespecting our memories and love. So, the only option left to me was to let you go.

Trust me Saru, I never wanted to leave you and I have loved you always till my last breath. Please Forgive Me. I never wanted to cheat on you. I had dreamt of a life with you. But we weren’t meant to be.

I have left my savings and earnings for you. I know they are nothing. But you would have been the sole heir to everything that I had if we were married. So on that note, Goodbye Saru, please don’t hate me anymore.

Forever yours,
Mohit.

Sarita finally felt free. She felt happy. She felt as if the burden of pain that she had carried all these years had finally been lifted from her shoulders. She finally felt that she was Arjun’s. She knew she was going to sleep well that night after a long time.

As planned the next day Mr. Gupta came up with the cheque. And they together donated it to the orphanage. The happiness of the children calmed her soul. She had finally bid a proper farewell to her Mohit.

Once she boarded the train to Saharanpur, she called Arjun and let him know that she was returning. And then she said “Arjun remember what you asked me one morning about starting a family with you?” “Ummm yeah, listen if you’re not ready yet its okay I can…” He was cut short by Sarita “Sssshhh, yes Arjun I want to be a mother. Let’s start a family now.”

Finally, she was happy, finally she felt like she was going towards a new beginning.


_Sonakhi Saha

© sonakhi_s