How should I start? Or just leave?

This question has been confusing me now.

It's a long time since I've written single poetry, or a story even just a thought. And of course, I did miss all of your write-ups and especially talking with my friends here. But I was and is on the verge of doubts.

I used to check this rarely. And I saw my friends asked where I've been. So here I am sharing why I am not active here.

P.S: I don't know why I'm sharing and what do you have to do with it. But I thought, there are people who want it to know they aren't alone.
Also, it may get lengthy, read it at your own risk.

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Brief intro on me to not to get confused: I'm a girl who was preparing for exams, who was living in her dream world (as they all say), and a thoughtful person. Need nothing just to get worried.

•••

Things all started in the middle of this lockdown. I wasn't having that much discomfort without interacting with others since I'm an introverted extrovert. It's the time I took writing seriously and made it my passion. Things all were going well until I messed up with my friend. We used to be so close and later only I realized, we should not get close to people beyond the line. It wasn't a serious issue between us but we became egoistic.
I didn't need a big problem to get hurt. So it really was too painful for me.
As the days went by, I became too sensitive at matters and more raged than before. That's the time I found this app randomly and installed it out of curiosity.
I do have accounts in other writing apps and they weren't much interesting but I used them just to keep me busy. That's the same thing I expected from this app but within a month, I was really overwhelmed by the whole response I got from here. I got a lot friends here. So my mind became relaxed and I was too busy making and reading write-ups. Most of the poetry I wrote is for myself. By reading my motivating poetry, I know many of you had felt I'm too motivated and was having all the peaceful and positive mind. But actually, things are opposite.
I slowly started to have that unknown feeling of something kind of depression? I think so. That's hard that I don't know how to explain it, Sorry.
But let me say, that feeling is worse, the last time I had it was the day I wrote my last poem here on my so-called ex-best friend. This time, it hit me differently. For the first time, it made me doubt my existence. I felt I'm worthless, a burden for others, every negative aspect of life that I can put on me. Even I doubted if I should die? too hard right? I know. This isn't a proud thing to say. But I should. I understood how hard a feeling of death is to someone who is feeling so.
I feel sorry for everyone who left the world without having an ear to listen their heart.
However, I was too worried that of course, I don't want to give up this life without any reason. So I tried my hard not to fall for my weakness. The other thing is that my mock exams were going on. I lost my concentration and for a few days, I was really unconscious.
A few days later I had a painful headache and it lasted for almost a week. At last, when I found it unbearable, I told my mom. We went to the hospital and the doctor said that it was a tension headache and I may have a migraine again that was already treated well before. It's the first time there's something like that.
Then it was a long era of motivation and other talks from my parents and friends. Even that friend who left me back then messaged me many long texts.
I was recommended to use a lot of self-help apps from my cousin sister who was studying psychology and also I was taking medicines to relax my mind.
Also, the test I said about before, I did mess up a few of them but was thinking of making it right next upcoming one.
So overall, I am recovering. My mom asked me to reduce giving more time to the write-ups since they're provoking my inner self. I'm sad about that. But I think I should take care of my health. So im thinking of coming back to the app once I'm done with all my medications or deactivating this account forever. I'm confused.
Whatever, I will be missing you guys. That was the feeling I got with you all.

I hope you all are doing well. If ever you feel about death, just know, there are people to listen to your heart. If you find no one, then trust me, you can talk to me. But don't take a decision that wasn't meant for you.

Believe in Yourself.

© trusfrated.girl