My name is Josiah Bhola Hillaire and let me tell you a quick story about myself. I've been abused, depressed, overcame addiction and still dealing with turmoil. I've had three ex girlfriends (one whom I lost my virginity to), I was abused by my spern donor as a child and it was difficult. I trained in boxing when I was eight to eleven years old and trained in judo when I was eight and nine years old. Currently, I'm trying to get back into martial arts to heal myself from depression. I was bullied a lot in middle school and it was depressing for me. Things were difficult for me when I was a teenager. I started drinking and smoking when I was seventeen years old with older friends so I could be cool and also I drank to escape from my abusive childhood. I mainly drank tequila and margaritas, but also drank cocktails, red and white wine, gin, whiskey, champagne and other drinks. I was a casual smoker who wanted to be cool. During my high school years, I was trying to find myself and I always knew about my sexuality. At the time, I denied my truth because I didn't want to burn in Hell, but my life was a living hell at that time in my life. I used to experiment with different kinds of people as a teenger and I was finding myself. My first ex girlfriend who I won't name was very abusive. She used to punch and slap me in the face, spit on me, kick me in the stomach, spit on me, etc. and I was with her for three years. I hid all of my relationships from people I knew because it's none of their business and also because my relationship is mine and only mine to have. After three years, I left my first ex girlfriend and never looked back. My second ex girlfriend and I were cool, but my drinking was the thing we argued a lot about. It took a while for me to quit cold turkey, but I did and although my relationship with my second ex girlfriend lasted for two years, she taught me about boundaries and I'm thankful to her about that. She also allowed me to be me and she was the first person I talked to about my sexuality. At that point in my life, my faith in God was on life support and I was in a dark place. My last ex girlfriend and I were barely together for a year and we didn't get along. As a teenager, I used to slit my wrist with a razor blade, knives, sharp pen endings, etc. and none of those cuts were deep. In February 2021, someone near and dear to my heart passed away and I relapsed after being clean and sober for a few years (at that point). By August 2021, I didn't want to live and didn't care about anyone or anything. On August 15, 2021, I decided to give up drinking and smoking for good. I kept losing many loved ones along the way, but on September 17, 2023, a childhood friend of mine died after losing his battle to cancer for many years. I would lying to you if I said that I didn't think about relapsing, but I'm glad that I didn't relapse this time around. I still battle addiction each and everyday and the battles aren't easy. Addiction is the thing that one has to fight as if their life depends on it. For me, it's like chess. One false move and game over. Addiction is the one thing that I'm always fighting and it's a battle I'm winning. I have constant flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety and panic attacks, trust issues and PTSD due to the trauma I faced from childhood and I hope that by sharing this that I can use my story to save someone's life. In my spare time, I shadowbox, workout, listen to music, work on my scripts, write poems, draw, dance and try to enjoy the life that I have. I'm not the kinda person who likes to gossip or stir up shit, but know that if you get on my bad side; you'll meet a side of me that's nasty and mean and vicious. It's been two years since I last drank and I don't intend on drinking anymore. It's frustrating seeing people younger than me doing well and living their dreams while I'm still struggling. I'm happy for people and want them to do well, but I wish that it would be my time to shine too. A part of me wishes that I could turn back the clock and heal the younger me so we can finally smile and enjoy life. My life has been a living hell and I wish it was a good life, but I know I'll make my life better. I have dreams of making it in the film industry and I know it WILL happen. This is my chance to shine and I hope that I can finally put my childhood traumas to rest once and for all. And let me say that denying my truth is the biggest mistake I've ever done because I ended up hurting myself in the long run. I love who I love and I feel so authentic and free saying these words. My sperm donor throughout my life hid behind religion and used God as a way to control and destroy my childhood. He abused me for years and it played a big part in me starting to lose faith in God. Every time we went to church, I felt like a fraud. I felt like I was lying to God when I went to church and that I had to pretend everything's okay. Things weren't fine and it was hard for me. I stopped going to church years ago once I saw through the bullshit and I just had enough of me lying to myself, God and everyone. People in the church knew that my sperm donor was abusive and NO ONE did a thing to protect me. I just wanted to share my truth so I can help someone out there who's going through the same thing. Abuse IS NOT love.





© Josiah Bhola Hillaire