We made love one night and I looked into your eyes and I was in Heaven. I wanted more and more of you. I wanted your heart, your soul, your mind...I just wanted you. You're the reason why I'm still alive and I thank you for loving me. I took you by the hand and kissed it a few times before we locked lips and made passionate love again. The sex was intense and passionate and it was a great story between you and me. You helped me fight through suicidal thoughts and urges and yet you never told me that you were struggling. The last time I saw you, you looked healthy and strong. We were hanging out together and enjoying each other's company and I saw that magic in your eyes. That sexy smile on your face was there and next thing you know, we went over to your place and had amazing sex. After a few days, I didn't hear from you. I tried texting and calling you number, I tried visiting your place and even spoke to your folks and no one heard from you. Then I got a call from a friend of ours who told me that he found your lifeless body in the woods and I remember just being in a daze. Your mom and dad, myself, law enforcement and some friends went to the woods and when I saw your body, I knew you were gone. I knew I wouldn't see the love of my life ever again. You were the person I came out to about my sexuality and you're the person who brought out the best in me. I saw gun near your body and a bullet wound through your chest as there was a note on your body. I grabbed the note and read it. As I was reading the note, my heart sank. I never knew you were in so much pain. You always smiled and seemed to be okay and yet you were struggling just like me. I lost the love of my life but you are free. Free from the pain and misery. Free from the depression. I wish I could hold you and kiss you one more time. I handed the note to your parents and their hearts also sank once they read it. Your funeral was too hard for me. I managed to make it and just seeing you lying there in a casket broke me. It took a lot of people to help me get through the service. I was so broken, I felt sick to my stomach. When you were laid to rest, I collapsed. My heart was breaking, my soul was shaking, my spirit was aching and I didn't want to live. I attempted to end my life by taking some pills. I was alone in my apartment and I remember just taking a lot of these pills and then I remember waking up in the hospital with loved ones around me. I lost the love of my life due to suicide and I didn't want to go on without him. I still think about him each and everyday and I just can't believe he's really gone. This is the same man I first kissed when we were kids, the same man who I came out to and the same man I planned to spend the rest of my life with. Every moment with you always made me smile and I miss those deep conversations we had. Since you passed away, I tried going on dates with other people, but NO ONE had that magic you had. You understood me and made me feel safe. I can't believe that you're really gone, but I know that you're with me. Those times we made love was so special to me and I thank you for choosing me to be your lover. Sex was something divine and amazing and the fact that you and I shared something magical together really makes me smile. I just wish that you were still here, but I know that you're not suffering anymore. I still have the poems you used to write me and those beautiful letters you used to write. Thinking about you makes me smile, cry and think. I love you and I can't wait to see you in my dreams. The love I have for you never went away. When I was around you, there was something about you that made me feel safe and secure. Your good looks and muscular physique, your sweet charm, your great fashion style, great sense of humor and that sexy smile on your face always made me feel great. You were and are my one and only true love and I wish you could be here with me. Every moment with you were magical and I loved every minute of it. We did so much together that I didn't want the good times to stop. What brought us together was our deep faith, our similarities and our desires to being better versions of ourselves. When I think of you, my mind would be at ease. Sometimes, when I'm asleep, I would sleep with photos nearby just to be surrounded with your energy. You were hurting just like me and I'm sorry that I didn't know. But at the same time, you seemed to be happy and never told me of your pain and suffering. We've been through so much together that nothing would stop us. Your death took me out and I don't think I'll ever be the same again. To me, you're an angel that was shining bright and I still feel your light shining on me. I knew that you loved me and I know that wherever you are, I know that you're watching over me. I miss you and I hope you know that you're not forgotten. I will NEVER forget you or the memories that we share together. Rest in peace, my love.














© Josiah Bhola Hillaire