I used to have zero self esteem. I knew I was the lowest piece of human garbage that had ever existed or ever would. In school, every day I got the message from too many kids that I was nothing, that I didn't matter. Please just go away and leave us alone. And if you happen to die, oh well life's a bitch ain't it. I think of school as one year of kindergarten and twelve years of absolute hell.

Even as an adult I couldn't recognize my own talents. I kept downplaying them. "I'm fairly intelligent." If you've read my other pieces you know what an understatement that is. "I sing OK". I got a 92 when I went to solo voice competition. "I guess I write alright. But my stuff isn't very good." I still don't know about that one. You tell me.

Back in 2013 when I was 45 I finally decided I either had to get good self esteem or live like that for the rest of my life. I chose to work on myself. My self esteem these days is good but I know I still have a ways to go.

Take my writing again. My pieces usually get a number of likes and the comments I get are usually very supportive and encouraging. But sometimes I feel like I've graduated to being a first rate hack. There's still a small part of me that says, "No, they're writers. You just write."

But I'm starting to let go of the last of that. I was just in the kitchen. I moved a stirring spoon from the stove to another counter. Normally I would have half jokingly called myself a dummy or stupid. But this time I playfully called myself a goof. In my family that's not a put down at all. It's like calling someone silly.

It hasn't been easy getting here. I've had to change so many internal messages from negative to positive. I needed a counselor to help me do that. Trust me, you can't just decide to think yourself to good self esteem. It takes a lot of time, practice, and self love.

But my self esteem still gets me some times. I just started cantoring at Mass. I screwed up a few times. Even though my sister, who is also the music minister, said I did a good job part of me is resigned to the idea that if I screw up like that again she won't let me cantor any more. No that's not rational but that's the problem. Poor self esteem involves irrational thinking.

"Everybody else gets to make mistakes. I have to be perfect all the time. Everything I do has to be perfect. Otherwise I'm worthless."

If you know someone with poor self esteem, encourage them to talk to a professional. They didn't get there overnight. It takes a while for the negative self talk to take hold. It will take a while for them to change those messages.

And to my friend and follower here who went through some of the same demoralizing things I did with teachers, it'll be OK. Talk to somebody. We didn't deserve to go through that. You deserve to be happy too.

© Mike Gurak