Chapter 3
ANGUISHED SOUL

LEVI’S POV

“Where’s Adalee?” Caius asked.

I hemmed and hawed because of his sudden question. “W-why?” I asked as I packed my things up. The day had just ended again. Time to go home from school.

“Oh? What’s that? Why are you stuttering?” he asked in a teasing tone as he tried to look at my face.

“W-why?” I snorted. “She went home already—I g-guess. Darn it! W-who knows? Why are you asking me? I don’t know!” I raised my voice as I immediately marched outside the room and left him still arranging his belongings. That gossip monger!

“Ya! Aish, jinjja! Kidaryeojuseyo!” Hey! Oh, seriously! Please wait! he yelled, but I didn’t bother myself to wait for him. “Why? Am I not allowed to ask you anymore? I’m just curious! Hey, Levi!” he dragged on, but I just ignored him.

Adalee was keep popping on my mind. Her face, her lips—she lost her smile and it was bothering me.

“I wonder where did she go? Or is she okay?” I whispered to myself as I made my way down the school hallways.

“Levi!” Caius called after he fell behind me.

“What?” I replied without giving him a look.

“Let’s stop by to the computer shop. What do you think?”

“No.”

“Wae?” Why? My eyebrows met because of his childish tone. I turned my head to him, and I saw his face twisted while he was thumping his feet on the ground.

“What’s with you? It’s past 8 in the evening and I’m tired! Let’s go home,” I said and before I could be able to step forward, I heard him thumped his feet hard.

“Come on, Levi!”

“Stop. No. Let’s call it a day, huh?

“Andwae!” No! he protested. “Gat-i sur han jan eoddaeyo?” How about a drink together? he suggested, eyes sparkling.

“Caius!” I raised my voice, showing him that I would disfavor.

“Jebal!” Please!

“Aish, jinjja!” Gosh, seriously! I carped as my lips twitched in annoyance. “You shameless guy! Stop it! You and your tantrums! Oh, gross!”

“Come on!” he said, walked towards me, then dragged me outside the school. At the end, he made me come with him at a bar. Oh, people!

The place were hundreds of conversations told in loud voices—all of them was competing with the rock music that dominated the atmosphere. The crowd at the bar was young, mostly students from the University. We made our way through the warm bodies to order a drink—the dark local beer—the main reason why we’re here. We stayed at the bar counter after taking our drinks. How could I resist this annoying, childish human being anyway?

“Oh my! Look at that chic,” Caius bursted out as we sat in front of the bar counter.

“Chicken? What?” I said and made a face.

“Aish!” Gosh! he snorted and rolled his eyes. “You’re so killjoy!”

I turned to the woman on the next table and said, “34-30-35, 33% belly fat.”

“W-what?” he asked as he turned his head to where I was looking.

“36-28-30, 30% belly fat,” I uttered while looking at the girl sitting on the couch. “30-26-33, 27% belly fat,” I added as I looked to the office girl who had just entered the place.

“Dang! How did you know their measurements?” he asked amused.

“Now, tell me who’s your chicken,” I said as I sipped my beer. “The one with lots of belly fat, the one with big butt, or the flat chested?”

“Hey! Hey! Hey! Be nice!” he shouted, then came close to me. He placed his fingers on my eyes as if he was checking something on it. “Do you have any gadget in your eyes? Or something like eye sensor? Do you—”

“Do you want me to kick your ass? Crazy!” I snorted as I hit his forehead. I just saw him pouted while he was rubbing his forehead.

As time passed, I just only drank a glass of beer while Caius was almost on his second bottle.

“Want to dance with me, Levi?” he asked with his snickering face, swirling his drink inside the glass he’s holding.

I put my glass on the table after drinking the last shot. “Want me to kill you?” I snorted.

“How barbaric!” he said as he drank his glass of beer straight. “I just want to have fun!”

I shook my head. “Go, have fun!” I said. This idiot was such a mess! “H-hey! Be careful!” I shouted at him as I saw his drink dripped from his mouth.

“I-I’m fine. Why don’t you just get another drink?”

“No, I’m done. I don’t want to get drunk,” I refused. “You’ll be in a complete mess if I let myself to get drunk, too. No one will look for you,” I added.

“Oh my! Oh, gosh! You’re making me cringe!” he said as he brushed his arms, face twisted, and seemed disgusted.

“You punk!” I said and hit him. “Just be thankful! Brat, tsk!”

He chuckled, then told me, “Gomawo.” Thanks, I just pouted and looked away.

“I just don’t want to damage my Frontal Lobes with alcohol,” I said.

“Frontal Lobes, my foot,” he said, forehead creased. “What’s that?”

“It’s responsible for cognition, thought, judgment, and memory. Alcohol can impair nearly one of these functions,” I explained, “the hippocampus forms and stores memory,” I continued.

“Oh, I see. Well, trust me. You won’t lose your brainy brain,” he giggled, then sipped his drink. “You know what? Maybe I should really get drunk,” he added.

“That’s enough!” I nagged and tried to grab his glass, but he pushed me away.

“Wae?” Why? he pouted. “I want my brain get damaged to forget about everything permanently!” I sighed and stared at him for awhile. What’s with him now? I crossed my arms and kept quiet. For a moment, I glanced at the place—still in mess.

“It’s been a year,” he mumbled. I turned my head to him again and caught him looking at his phone... seemed like there would be a serious conversation that would going to happen.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“Do you still remember the first time you saw me get drunk?”

“Yes,” I said and nodded. “Why’d you suddenly asked about it?”

“It’s been a year,” he repeated.

“So?”

“It’s the time I moved to our dorm, but I was drunk, messed up, and I just wanted to kill myself that time,” he said as he grabbed not just the glass, but also the bottle of beer on his other hand.

I kept nodding as I remembered what he was saying. “I remember that. You keep on saying, “I’m tired. I want to die. I want to hang myself to death. I want to jump off of this building. I want to poison myself. I want to cut my pulse,” and the like. You’re really messed up that time.”

“Keuji?” Yeah right? he said, then smiled.

“Um...”

“Levi...” he mumbled as he slumped to the floor.

“Hey, Caius! Get up!” I yelled, but he just shook his head.

“Naege wae? Jinjja!” Why to me? Seriously! he whined. He was already a little tipsy. “Soksanghae,” I’m upset, he added.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as I just let him remained on the floor.

He again sipped his drink, hoping that the answer were at the bottom of the glass, then the bottom of the bottle, then the bottom of the next bottle and then the next. It’s his third bottle to be exact. “You said that I couldn’t die. You told me I couldn’t hang myself because there’s no rope inside the dorm. You told me I couldn’t jump off of the building because I was drunk and tired, that I couldn’t make to go to the rooftop. You told me that there’s no poison inside the cabinet—out of stock, my foot!” he laughed. “You told me that I couldn’t cut my pulse because the knives in the kitchen were blunted,” he added.

I guess, drunk talk wasn’t just nonsense. The truth would come out naturally from your mouth as the tongue was freed up to say what exactly what was in a person’s heart.

“Well—” he cut me off.

“Do you know what’s my reason?”

I shook my head and said, “No. You never told me.”

He didn’t say a word for a while. He just tightened the grip from the beer’s bottle as he heaved a sigh. “My reason a year ago is still my reason today. I want to forget about everything,” he whispered as he broke his voice.

“Caius?”

“This,” he said and gave me his phone. “Naneun geunyeoleul neomu geuliwo,” I miss her so much, he mumbled as I noticed his eyes sparked when light hit it. Tears from his eyes started to came out.

“Who is she?” I asked after I saw a photo of a woman on his phone’s screen.

“A y-year a-ago,” he said, then wiped his tears, “there was an unexpected gift I’d received after my Senior High School graduation. S-she didn’t come at my g-graduation ceremony, so I came home immediately after,” he continued. He tried to stand up just to fall back down on the floor in an unbalanced attempt to sit back on the stool.

I inched towards him and helped him get back to his seat. “Is this your mother?” I asked. He just nodded as an answer.

“I c-called her when I got home, but s-she didn’t respond. When I came to her room, my w-world—my world c-crashed under my feet. I saw her... there’s a rope a-around her neck. She hanged herself to d-death. No letter, no goodbyes. She left me... she left me without saying goodbye,” I hugged him before he could be able to throw the bottle he’s holding. He bursted out in tears as I gently tapped his shoulder.

“I was d-desperate that time. I badly wanted to t-talk to her, but I couldn’t find a way, not until I learned about lucid dreaming,” he said. “It’s my last resort, I g-guess? I practiced it almost everyday and luckily, I saw her again,” he continued. I didn’t dare to say a word... just listen to him.

“The place was pretty creepy, but I knew it was our house. She t-told me that I don’t have anything to worry, that she’s fine,” he paused. “How irony, right? She said she was okay, but then, she ended up killing herself.”

Words couldn’t form from my mouth, but I could feel his pain, his agony—he was still tormented by it after all. Nothing could take away the pain of loss—it’s a torture for those who had left behind.

“I lied when I told you I experienced lucid dreaming just once,” he barely chuckled. “I did it over and over because my m-mom didn’t want to tell me why she killed herself. He kept on nagging at me to wash the dishes instead... instead of some conversation with sense.”

He was breathing heavily and in a sobbing voice. I could smell the harsh scent of the alcohol from him as he tightened his hug on me.

“She just don’t want to make you worry,” I whispered while I was still tapping his back. Gently, I reached for the bottle of beer and the glass away from him.

“Is t-that s-so?”

“Of course,” I replied. “Wash the dishes always and don’t worry that much. Stop crying and let’s go home already, okay?”

“I h-hate washing t-the d-dishes, Levi!” he mumbled.

“I know right,” I replied as I grabbed both of our school bags, then paid our drinks.

“Soksanghae! Jinjjayo!” I’m upset! Seriously! he said, sniffed and wiped his nose.

“I know. I know. Let’s go.”

“I can’t walk properly, right? What happened, Levi? Did I d-damaged my b-brain already?” he asked as I helped him walked outside the bar. He was struggling from walking so I had to help him. His white uniform was stained already, his hair was greasy, and his actions were slow and clumsy.

“Let me see,” I uttered. “Difficulty in walking, blurred vision, red cheeks, impaired memory—yes, I guess.”

“Jinjja?” Really? he asked and looked at me. He suddenly caressed my face with his both hands. “Aigo! Neomu kyeopta!” Oh my! So cute! he said as he pinched my cheeks.

“Ya!” Hey! I shouted and removed his hands from my face. “Neo mityeosseo?” Are you insane?

“Mianhae,” Sorry, he barely whispered before he totally passed out.

“This guy—ugh!” I had nothing to do but to carry him on my back. After all, he was like a younger brother to me so I had to take care of him. I left the place and started to walk back to the dorm.

Of all the emotions a person could feel, loneliness was probably the hardest to one to be healed.

When you recover, what will you do?
When you recover, will you still be you?
Please remember, there’s hope that awaits you.
Will you be stronger, will you be new,
When you recover from what you’ve been through?