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Why I'm so weak?
#TheWritingProject

" I told you not to talk with that bastered...but...but... you again defy me." after said that my father slapped me so hard that i almost fall off.

" why aren't you getting it Jack ....he left us for that jerkette girl...that trash Jews girl...and you are still trying to hit him up. aren't you enough young to get that matter? ".now its mom's call.
" its last warning...if we get you again call him...i think you know very well what we can do or ..." my father intrupts my mom , come close to me,squeeze my shoulder,and say not to test his patience, and that creepy smirk..oo..god... and they leave out.

I think, after my parents caught me up on phone ,talk to Johny,i can't dare to call him again. we've a telephone at home,and that's in my father's room. i sneaked out in his room when they were out.but don't know when they got back and..... just happened what I really don't want to.

JOHNY:. Johny's my elder brother.i can't say everything was going great when he was there.our parents are so strict to us(maybe cruel word justify them quite well).they are so rigid to our religion, their high status and pride of their money and power. everyone's so use to their behaviour like us.we do not have good relations with our neighbours.they also never try to be nice to us. we aren't permitted to be friend with people who aren't of same religion of us .who don't have power and money are not humans for them. we never get permission to be out without our college or school. if we ever try to be smart,make an excuses,like extra classes just to hang ourselves out with friends, they just got us.that always make me wonder! like...how!. they got us?
after got us defying'em they give us special treatment,normal people like you, can't imagine that,coz we are special.

Johny was in love with jews girl of his college.i knew that.they both were aware about their parents reaction on that relationship.so they gave their best hide from them.i was thinking ,that affair might be up to their College time.but i never thought they'd be eloped . unless they ran off, parents had no Idea of their courting to each other.but I'm mesmerized that how my parents were unaware about it ( i don't know about jews girl's parents) . without that thing, there is nothing i can say, we are doing out and they have no idea.why they didn't caught'em up before.No ,no ... that doesn't mean that i wanted to get them by our parents but I'm quite.....like...so shocked. Johny isn't that smart that he can keep a secret that long.after all he's my brother. i know you're thinking if our parents are that scary how Johny got to be so brave?
but he's not!
i also have no Idea how their love story began? we were going through the same way.but not so closed to each other. he never told me that he had a girlfriend and she's jews.i came to know it on my own.one day,we were on the way to Church and i saw him smiling at a girl when she's passing by.but then i thought he might just know her as College or class mate . but i noticed it many times.so i just got a idea that they must be know each other very well,more than just smiling at each other.

I think,no one can get it better than me,if someone is looking at each other in what way. i also do the same.

when Johny off to college,that day ,he never came back. i came home as usual.
but he didn't get back from his college. my father was getting horrendously angry.i was worried. ofcourse for Johny but for me, excessively. it was dark now,but he hadn't come yet.my Father trying his best to get him somehow. but we didn't come to know anything about him. i was going to get in my room,i heard my mother was sobbing. i went to her but she didn't let me stay there.it was peculiar.i hardly saw her worrying for us.

i went to my room .i was freaking out . though he went away but he made my Father to give me that special treatment again. then someone(was sure that'd my father) banged on the door. i was loath to open the door but can't help it . i had to open it. he came in .i saw his eyes flaming. he came to me and grabed me.then closed the door. he wanted me tell him where's Johny.but what could i say? sometimes he carry a metal stick with him .that day he had that . so......he ...hit me....like....i was a piece of cotton bag.. he'd hit me and couldn't feel anything. after that , he made me filthy. i hate it the most more than getting beating.he always do that to me.if your going to ask me, if he ever did that to Johny? i can't say anything...I know its like impossible for you to believe me,that we're living in a same house but still haven't any idea what treatment is giving to the other person.Johny and i do have our rooms ( my parents say that but i don't think so). we can't do what we want to ,even in our rooms. even i don't know if my mother has any idea that my father doing that to me. he uses to beat us infront of her but she never say a word..

After some days,we got a call,(hope you guess right) that was Johny on the phone. he told my father everything about her jews girlfriend (now his wife), they eloped for get hitched,and he said that he doesn't afraid of my father anymore.wooa....what a guts he got on that day...oo Jesus.... after heard that from Johny my father smashed the phone and told us ( me and mom) what Johny said to him . he's very furious.i was afraid when he was telling that. i Know ,you know why??

he clearly told that( mom and me)we can't even talk about him of right now.we hadn't dare to argue with my father. when my parents caught me up on a phone with Johny,i don't know why he made a call again? who he wanted to talk on that day? or he just wanted father made angry again? we didn't have that much talk on phone,when my parents get back home.i just couldn't make a move when I saw them .father got the phone from me ,put that on his ear. after heard "Jack..Jack "from Johny he put the phone down .and asked me " why did you call him"? as you know I'm not that brave,to say something to make my point.he asked me repeatedly but i was just looking down and shivering.then he slapped me,over and over again.but it was normal for me. i just cried.my mother, like always, didn't say a word.
i went to my room after that.here though i can Just cry.

I know,you all must think,that they aren't our parents.i also think the same ,sometimes.we are maybe adopted.and i wish that was true.but unfortunately its not. my father is like that the very first day i can remember in my life.he's been angry, cruel,use to make me filthy. and my mother's been as quite as she blind for every thing happening with us . even though, sometimes,i saw her crying on my father's behaviour to us.

sometimes i do think to take my life but i can't. you may think I'm afraid of my father! yes i do .but now,not coz of his fear.but for someone......that...i mean.... when i see him... make me smile.

He shifted here,near to my house ( over the moon saying that)last year.he also got admission in my school.we are in a same class,but bad luck,not in a same section.
i don't know how to say that....hhh....when i saw him first time..i Just couldn't blink. i just kept on staring at him . but he didn't notice it. he was then at a school, that was his first day, i heard somewhere that day.its not so usual to get shifted here as we are living in a small town. my father beat me that day. i collided him,( my mind was somewhere else) and he almost got down.i didn't feel bad or shed my tears over that. first time i did smile whole day even after got beate

ACTUALLY ME:. i do like to paint my nails.i love to see my mother wearing makeup. one day i took her nail polish into my room.i did use it.i felt that good.... can't say in words.i forget to put nail polish back to mom's room .my father saw that into my room but my mother said she got it there. i don't know why she caped.but she never talked to me about that ,neither i.

I used to see Omari in my school. i got shocked,when i was eyeing on him,he came to know that and smiled back at me.i was so flustrated to look at him back .
i kept looking down . after that he keep on smiling at me till day.and i love it i want it.

My father has his friends at our home.i don't know what they're talking about but when I went near to them,(not purposely) they're talking about Omari's family. they moved here From south africa.my father call Omari a black dog. he say that he is that thin his blow can fly him away.he made fun of his curly hair by saying his dog's tail is better than his tangled hair ( also used bad words for Omari's parents). i was awful.

i never saw him that way.For me he's.........so.... he's just.... ethereal to me..... he's..my.... my....how to say that...you know?

my family is not so friendly to the people around us.they never allowed us too.i always want to talk to everyone,spend my time with em,wanna play some jokes, fighting with my friends ,go out with them, craving to do,eat wear,what i want to.but this is just my thoughts. intermittently i do painting, painting of what i put up with, how gets filthy,and Omari .....what i feel for him,i describe my feelings through colours.but unable to keep em with me. habitually torn some painting out or throw away .if my father notice it, after that i can't paint anymore. but i do not have dare to destroy paintings of my Omari . so i just send him anonymously.i don't want to know what he do to those paintings.

I'm not saying, Omari is a first man in my life.don't worry.. I'm not that faceless.i just mean here ,i do have feelings for boys.originally i was not ready for that.i didn't getting it why I'm like that. I've a different taste and likes unlike other boys.sometimes i feel like I'm doing a sin .but i have to accept myself as i don't have any friend .i need to love my self,i should. believe me what happened after that? i met my boy Omari....... and i think now i need no one.

Perhaps i am not as brave as my brother Johny to take my decision. i would never be. i do love Omari but ,yet, not able to disobeying my father. is it fear or something else,i don't know.

I'm not going to show my feelings to Omari ever.i really have no idea what in his mind.he do smiling at me but that doesn't mean he likes me. what if he's not like me? he could be like other people! if I'd say something to him maybe i lost his smile forever. what will i do then? no ...no...i can't even think about it. my father lost his temper when knew about Johny and his Jews girlfriend.what if my father come to know that i like Omari? he may hurt Omari and me. he'd not just get angry.

OMARI'S POV:. we've just shifted in this small town. i wasn't happy. but cannot do anything. there's nothing unlike my old town . everything's quite similar. without those eyes ,who always follow me. he keep on staring at me wherever he see me,at school,on the way even i saw him around my house as well. he makes me shy( sometimes irritate too). his continuously gazing couldn't let me sleep.i do think all day" why he's doing this? " i came to know his name is, Jack,at school. initially i didn't like when he keep on staring at me......but now I'm used to it. he even put me in his colours.he makes my pictures and stupidly try to send em to me anonymously ( he's soo dumb). i get him when he do it thrice. but he still don't know that ,i get it. its really fun smile at him without saying a word.i wasn't sure about my feelings. but now i have no doubt.my parents are so free to share my feelings...... I mean about Jack.
even so i haven't said yet to my parents.
i really wanna talk to him.but he never say a word or smile at me when I do so. i heard about his parents . especially his father is so horrible. sometimes he gives me deadly gaze....o ...god... don't know why? we never try to talk to them and i really don't want to ( without jack) . what he has in his mind when he stares at me? is it just staring or something else?
or it's just my thoughts?
is it making any sense he likes me coz he do gazing me?
what if i try to talk to him?
what he he'll face if his father get that?
ooo .......what to do ( getting irritate)?
he's so afraid of his father he may never make his first step. if i don't want to see him in any trouble,i shouldn't say a word to him. i just can't take it,see him in trouble just coz of me.

GIVE UP:..... today we're going to a party of neighbour. i don't want to go.when we step out,i give my best to see Omari,but i couldn't manage to see him.i'm so heartbroken. wish could see him.

Party is so boring for me.i don't know how my parents enjoying it. but suddenly I'm on cloud nine. he see that smile...that....i ...i.. really wasn't expecting. My boy is also here. he makes me blush.he's also here with his parents. the party holders are so kind and friendly, totally opposite to us. they must be wanna befriends with Omari's family.reason whatever they invite them ,but extremely good for me. i smile at him back once in a blue and that's time.i just too shy to give him any response. we just so happy to smile at each other. now its time to leave. i don't wanna leave yet. but what can I say to my father. Omari's parents leave before some time ago,but he tells them to stay here. ( i heard it coz I'm all ear to Omari). but now i have to leave. he is peacing out after us. that is my death time now.but I've no idea. butterflies in my stomach just thinking that Omari's here there everywhere today. my father is so angry over something.but i don't pay any attention. how could i when I've my boy's all attention.
finally we reach at home.we just step in when my father looking for something.finally he takes his metal stick and starts beaten me as hard as he can. that's the worst thrashing i get ever.finally he pushes me down and drag me far away by my hair .im crying , I'm screaming. but unable to cry and scream after hear that why Omari kept on smiling at me and vice versa. i acknowledge everything. he captured us on party but we even didn't realize it( as we're so into each other). after he beat me up,i don't have any strength to think about anybody.he told me clearly if i ever do something like that again he'd not hesitate to throw me out of this world. even my mother was crying to see me beaten to death. she also tried to stop him but she couldn't . that's wondering. my father take me out of school arranged a private tutor for me at home. he even hires a man ( kindda a spectator) who always with me like a shadow. now i can't paint, can't colour my nails, can't even stare at my....boy...Omari.im not allowed to think about these things.just can't imagine even. i don't want to think about Omari now.... i know im saying it in pain to take that decision after i got a clear hint that Omari's also likes me. but i want to live just.....i don't want my father hurt me more than that. he did threat Omari's family to do something wrong with em . i ... i.. really don't want him to get hurt coz i know what my father can do! I'll do what my father actually want me to do from now........


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