I want to know who hurt you this much, made you hard to love want to be so lonely. But I will love you,hear you and be there for you whenever you need me. Then will you try to love me and feel me? All I am asking from you is to try and feel what I am feeling. I'll always listen when you have some thing on your mind. I'll always take your side even if you're wrong, and I will always come when you call me to your side. All I am asking in return is for you to try and feel how I am feeling inside. I know that I have a hard time with what goes inside me and this incredibly repulsive antisocial depression I feel inside about myself and the on the slightly awkward side effects that it had on me to think this way about the worthiness of my existent and how I deserved every extremely torturous moment of the experiment that I call my life. The expression of my self hatred can be completely overwhelming. I have never seen myself the way anyone else has. The self doubt is all consuming accompanied with the fact that the person I see in the mirror is some one who is not worth anyone's affection. There was only one other person who was able to ease the mind numbing sensation of the self hatred that I have been feeling since I was little. I guess that I wasn't enough for him and he decided to take his own life. This only went to further conform that I was not ever good enough to make so any one would stick around for any length of time. Eventally everyone gets to the point where they don't want to be around me anymore. It's never a question of if they will walk out of my life but when they will have gotten what they want from me and leave. Then I am left sitting here wondering what is so wrong with me and if I am just that undesirable that everyone who I let get close to me has ended up leaving me with a worse broken heart than when I met them. And after all this time going through this I am still naive enough to think that it will be any different from the last time I tried. I don't know maybe if I had tried a little harder to make sure that he knew how much he was loved and appreciated by me. If only I had stayed up that night instead of taking the medication and falling asleep he would still be here. Maybe I could have done more. Takin more time to really understand how he was feeling inside about the situation we were going through. Maybe I should have tried harder to get him to open up to me about the way he was feeling and how he was managing all of the things that were going on in our lives. He was an amazing man and I know that he didn't think that he was a good dad but he was. I know that he had been feeling like he was a burden on the people who loved him but he wasn't, I should have tried harder. This situation only went on to prove that there was something wrong with me and the way I was. The next thing I could think of was that everyone would be better off if I wasn't around to ruin their lives and fuxk up whatever it was they were trying to do for themselves. All I am asking for you to do is understand that I have a very fuxked up view of myself and the world around me so I need a little extra understanding and reassuring that I am enough to satisfy what you are looking for and that you really aren't going to leave. Then when I don't believe you are telling me the truth about it I need you to some how show me that you are. I know that I am almost impossible to live with and deal with on a semi regular basis and that I probably don't deserve to have any one take that kind of time to help me start to change my thinking about myself. If you are up for a challenging task of helping me try and fix everything that everyone else around me has fuxked up then please let me know. I know that it's a lot of anyone to handle and take in but I am very afraid that you are going to walk away just like everyone else has. So if you're ready to try and do this give me some kind of sign that you are really ready to stand by my side and if you have any doubt that you are able to handle this then please walk away now before I get hurt any more than I already will if you leave.