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Bloodless
I've heard people saying that grave is the darkest place one can ever be in,and I deny it.
Even if they don't care about what I say,I'll say,that our life is the most deepest,darkest place one can ever be in and if one can survive it,then living in a grave after death is just a sheer joke.
and her life....,like all of us,was as dark as the pitch black Asphalt spread on roads and long before I started talking to her,I heard all of her story by the cut marks on her smooth hands and wrist.
-----
The first question I asked her was about that cut marks which were now looking pale,as if healing, showing that they were created a few weeks ago perhaps.She said she was surprised that I noticed.No one around her ever noticed,not even her family,not even her friends that she has been cutting her left hand with a tiny blade,and it sure does left prominent marks,but no one ever saw them,and that always made her wondered as if they actually existed.
According to her,just like everyone who did this,she was scared that someone might notice her marks and then scold her,shout on her to have a checkup with a Psychologist and make her unbearable life more unbearable but she said that there came that one point when she wanted people to notice.
Why ? not because she was seeking attention or wanted people to feel worried about her,No,but to be sure that those marks actually exist in reality and its not her own mind creating them.
"I can see them",I told her,
"Yes",she replied,"I know that they were real,and sooner it made me relaxed that no one was that much free to notice these cut marks on my hand.And one of the few reasons,it can be of because,they are on my left hand,and not on right because thats the hand who does it in the first place,and I am sure no criminal would like to become a victim of a crime,so I never injured my right hand".
"Why not end your life with a single cut ? Why not end it for forever ? Why feeling pain over and over again by cutting your skin ?" I asked
"You mean Suicide?"
She laughed,and I noticed graceful wrinkles around her depressed eyes,and pearl white teeth as she opened her mouth.
"Suicide means to end this pain forever,to be free of this world,which means losing from this world,and I don't like losing"
She stared at me and the looked away.
"I don't like losing.Not in games,not in anything.When I know that I am going to lose in something just because I am not good enough in it,I don't participate.That same goes for my life.This world keep playing with me,and killing myself means that I quit,means that this world wins,No!,it would never happen,not even untill I am alive",
She grinned,and thats the moment I realized that the people who were stopping me from doing this interview,I should have listened to them.
"And...so..these cuts?"
I hesitated,not sure if this is going the way I want.
"Oh,these,"
She gently brushed them with her fingers,as if touching a newborn.
"I make these when the pain is unbearable"
She said,still looking at them.
"I realized it years ago,when I finally decided to cut my wrist and end it forever,I realized that I was too weak to take this step,a loafer,a deadbeat,a sheep in wolf's clothing,so I never made that move...and....but..I...I cut a tiny part over here," she pointed at the lower end of her palm,"and I felt the best feeling in this world when the blood gushed out and the muscles contracted and I felt all my pain,from my mind,from my heart,leaving,getting distracted by the pain in my hand,and after years,I felt at ease.....since then, whenever I am at wits end,I take out that tiny blade from my drawer and place multiple cuts over here,on my hand,on different places sometimes,because you see,cutting at the same place is not helping anymore.Its as if like that part is getting immune to pain...so I am finding new places to cut at..."
She looked at me innocently as if asking me to tell her new places to cut.This moment I wanted to left all my things right there on that blue polkadoted sofa and polished table,and run away without looking back...and I think she noticed that I was not feeling that this interview will get any further.
"You are afraid..."
She smiled,and that make me startled.
"I'm..not....no..I'm not"
I scribbled something on my diary to distract myself.
"You ARE afraid"
She clenched her fists,
"and I thought you were not like other who had always ran midway from here...I thought you were different...and handsome...but sadly...you are a chicken,"
She bit her lower lip and it made a shiver ran down my spine.
"I am not afraid ! and I am not going anywhere until I complete this interview..."
I frowned at her with anger.Thats it.I wasn't afraid.I was angry.This room,this entire scene was making me angry and I don't even know why !
"Well,thats a good thing.."
She grinned.
"I'd love to have a company of a new human,after so many years..."
She winked,still making me shiver.
"So...? whats next ?"
She bowed down on the table,getting closer to me,making me feel that its still not a bad idea to run away.
"Well...then here's my next question if you want it that bad...."
I wrote it on my diary,marking it as Question#3.
"Why did you kill your own son !?"
and thats it,thats the trump card I've had,and I had thrown it without thinking twice.
Thats it,I have lost all my moves.
~Sakura Sakka
© All Rights Reserved
Even if they don't care about what I say,I'll say,that our life is the most deepest,darkest place one can ever be in and if one can survive it,then living in a grave after death is just a sheer joke.
and her life....,like all of us,was as dark as the pitch black Asphalt spread on roads and long before I started talking to her,I heard all of her story by the cut marks on her smooth hands and wrist.
-----
The first question I asked her was about that cut marks which were now looking pale,as if healing, showing that they were created a few weeks ago perhaps.She said she was surprised that I noticed.No one around her ever noticed,not even her family,not even her friends that she has been cutting her left hand with a tiny blade,and it sure does left prominent marks,but no one ever saw them,and that always made her wondered as if they actually existed.
According to her,just like everyone who did this,she was scared that someone might notice her marks and then scold her,shout on her to have a checkup with a Psychologist and make her unbearable life more unbearable but she said that there came that one point when she wanted people to notice.
Why ? not because she was seeking attention or wanted people to feel worried about her,No,but to be sure that those marks actually exist in reality and its not her own mind creating them.
"I can see them",I told her,
"Yes",she replied,"I know that they were real,and sooner it made me relaxed that no one was that much free to notice these cut marks on my hand.And one of the few reasons,it can be of because,they are on my left hand,and not on right because thats the hand who does it in the first place,and I am sure no criminal would like to become a victim of a crime,so I never injured my right hand".
"Why not end your life with a single cut ? Why not end it for forever ? Why feeling pain over and over again by cutting your skin ?" I asked
"You mean Suicide?"
She laughed,and I noticed graceful wrinkles around her depressed eyes,and pearl white teeth as she opened her mouth.
"Suicide means to end this pain forever,to be free of this world,which means losing from this world,and I don't like losing"
She stared at me and the looked away.
"I don't like losing.Not in games,not in anything.When I know that I am going to lose in something just because I am not good enough in it,I don't participate.That same goes for my life.This world keep playing with me,and killing myself means that I quit,means that this world wins,No!,it would never happen,not even untill I am alive",
She grinned,and thats the moment I realized that the people who were stopping me from doing this interview,I should have listened to them.
"And...so..these cuts?"
I hesitated,not sure if this is going the way I want.
"Oh,these,"
She gently brushed them with her fingers,as if touching a newborn.
"I make these when the pain is unbearable"
She said,still looking at them.
"I realized it years ago,when I finally decided to cut my wrist and end it forever,I realized that I was too weak to take this step,a loafer,a deadbeat,a sheep in wolf's clothing,so I never made that move...and....but..I...I cut a tiny part over here," she pointed at the lower end of her palm,"and I felt the best feeling in this world when the blood gushed out and the muscles contracted and I felt all my pain,from my mind,from my heart,leaving,getting distracted by the pain in my hand,and after years,I felt at ease.....since then, whenever I am at wits end,I take out that tiny blade from my drawer and place multiple cuts over here,on my hand,on different places sometimes,because you see,cutting at the same place is not helping anymore.Its as if like that part is getting immune to pain...so I am finding new places to cut at..."
She looked at me innocently as if asking me to tell her new places to cut.This moment I wanted to left all my things right there on that blue polkadoted sofa and polished table,and run away without looking back...and I think she noticed that I was not feeling that this interview will get any further.
"You are afraid..."
She smiled,and that make me startled.
"I'm..not....no..I'm not"
I scribbled something on my diary to distract myself.
"You ARE afraid"
She clenched her fists,
"and I thought you were not like other who had always ran midway from here...I thought you were different...and handsome...but sadly...you are a chicken,"
She bit her lower lip and it made a shiver ran down my spine.
"I am not afraid ! and I am not going anywhere until I complete this interview..."
I frowned at her with anger.Thats it.I wasn't afraid.I was angry.This room,this entire scene was making me angry and I don't even know why !
"Well,thats a good thing.."
She grinned.
"I'd love to have a company of a new human,after so many years..."
She winked,still making me shiver.
"So...? whats next ?"
She bowed down on the table,getting closer to me,making me feel that its still not a bad idea to run away.
"Well...then here's my next question if you want it that bad...."
I wrote it on my diary,marking it as Question#3.
"Why did you kill your own son !?"
and thats it,thats the trump card I've had,and I had thrown it without thinking twice.
Thats it,I have lost all my moves.
~Sakura Sakka
© All Rights Reserved
