I know no one is going to read this to the end. All well. I'm so confused. Are you men sure you don't like fake? I hear this a lot. We don't like fake nails, fake eyelashes, fake boobs, fake booty, fake hair color fake this fake that, because we like real. I think that is all lies. I think most guys like fake girls, not the real ones. Why I say that is because I'm real. Everything about me is real. I don't waste my money on fake things other than make-up that I don't use all the time and maybe I should start doing it. I should start saving money to get fake boobs and ass too. Or maybe I should just stay the way I'am and just start looking good for other men and ignore my guy like he does with me when better looking girls are around him. I need to start thinking about me let him go to act like a fool. I hear this a lot too. I want someone skinny like you. Yeah, sure you do. Lies and more lies. Some of you men just say that just to get with her. For what reason!? Just to use her for your fun and games when you actually want someone who is a little bit bigger or a lot bigger? If you can't get the size you really want, then keep trying. Don't go to a size that you don't really want, because girls like me will find out the truth what you really want anyways. No one ever really wants me. I'm sorry! I'm sorry it's hard for me to gain weight! You would think I would gain weight from having scoliosis, from all the pain that I get from it. I believe I have a high metabolism whatever it is which sucks. I eat a lot and still can't gain the weight that guys prefer. I have some fat from having kid's, but it's still not good enough for any guy. Sometimes I wish I listened to my mom when I always getting hurt a lot, to just stay single until someone that actually cares and appreciate what they have instead of looking for someone else that they wish they could have. I only want is one person as it seems like some guys want every sexy girls that throw them selves at them. Another thing that I hear. I don't like whores and sluts. Hummmm are you sure? That's what kind of girls that takes your attention from the person who loves you! I hate hearing LIES!!!! I fucken HATE it!!! I haven't lied to my guy that I love and only want is him. But he sure loves lying to me! I wish he could open his fucken eyes that I LOVE HIM! That he would stop hurting me. I guess that's what my father was telling me by molesting me. Your always going to get hurt and your only here for pleasure. Not for love and happiness like the rest of them girls that guys prefer. My father did told me when I was four that guys love .... "You can figure out what the dots mean." and make sure you give it. I'm glad he didn't make me do that to him. I wished he didn't make me do that other thing "which I have said it in one of my very old stories on here." and I wish he didn't do anything to me. I wish for a lot of things. The only four things that came true from praying and wishing are. 1) I have primary and physical custody of my oldest boy from a low life father that wants my son dead. 2) Having my youngest son living with me only for nine months from his abuser father. 3) Taking my father to court and only protecting my kid's and I from him when I wanted to protect all the children from him, so I kinda got my way. 4) I got my art room that I always wanted since I was 9 when I learned how to draw with my oldest brother. We started learning together that same day after school. That's one of my happiest days of my life. I wish I could have more happy days then horrible ones. I got the other way around. I'm not lucky like a lot of other people are. Sometimes I don't know why I even writeing, no one reads to the end. I feel like I'm just wasting my time, but I'm trying TRYING to stay away from CUTTING. But a lot of people show me that no one cares. They only want to read is happiness. I wish that all I can do is write is happy stuff. I just don't have that much to share and I'm only trying to heal and find answers that I'll never get. I wish healing wasn't so hard to do. Since 3 to the age that I'am now which is 34 without anyone helping me to heal. I hate hearing this. "No one can help you, you can only help is yourself. It's not there job to help you and you need to love yourself." How can I, when a lot of people show me what not to love about my self ?I'm trying to find away to heal even though no one really don't care. I'm used to people not caring, why do you think people like hurting me? Because no one cares. I hate feeling like I'm invisible and alone with my thoughts that no one cares about listening and to understand why I'm so confused and fucked up. All I want is to fucken heal, not keep on dying inside my heart. I want to stop crying. I want my soul to stop crying. I wish my guy could appreciate what he has, instead of looking for what he can't have. I want to be happy, completely happy. There was only one guy that did, but he passed away and he was a really good friend. Sometimes I wish I would of been with him, but I was scared because our age differences.
© Charlotte B.