How many times had we had this conversation? I looked into my ten year old son's eyes and he was still upset about an incident that happened three years ago! You could see it in his body language, in his eyes, in his choice of angry words, and in his overall demeanor. He hated this boy.

I know hate is a strong word. I think for a child emotions are expressed so vivdly. They haven't had the experience of lying to the world about their feelings yet. They don't yet understand the social intricacies involved. Perhaps, as we grow, we invent these concepts.

He told the tale of how this boy would brag about how cool he is, and how everything he did was better than what anyone could do. This other boy was always grabbing the toys from my son's hands, or bothering my son while he was playing with his video game. It wasn't the kind of bothering that had a purpose either. He didn't want the toy, this boy just wanted whatever my son had just so my son couldn't have it anymore. My son was as annoyed today, while telling me the story, as he was when it happened.

I asked him a question, "You seem to really hate this kid, huh?" He said, "Yes!"

I continued, "Who is it hurting right now for you to hate him?" He said, "What? I don't know."

"We'll is it hurting him right now that you hate him? Is he getting all worked up and angry about you hating him?" He put his head to the side, and said, "No."

I asked, "So you're getting angry and hurting yourself while he's not even thinking about you right now?" He answered, "Yes, I guess."

I implored, "So why do you do this to yourself?"

My son sat quiet for a minute but then started telling me about how it was good for him to know and remember who he hated because then he won't have to deal with them in the future. He said it makes him aware of the kinds of things he doesn't like, and that will help him in the future.

I had to agree to the idea that he should learn and remember the things about people that he finds annoying and simply doesn't like. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you in life so it's definitely good to stand up for yourself when you know what treatment and behavior you like and dislike. This shapes your friendships, your actions, your habits, and ultimately the world you build around you.

Do you like mainly supportive people, or do you need a fight? Do you have someone you can always go to and depend on when you need them, or are you that person for others, or both? So many things to consider. Still it bothered me that he didn't seem to see that he was hurting himself by carrying this hatred. My son was upsetting himself and letting the emotions of those past encounters tear and pull at his mind and heart.

I finally said, "Write it down. The whole story of that day, just write it down." My son said, "Really?" I gave him a nod.

He sat down and wrote out every part of the story. He outlined his actions and the boys actions. He commented on the actions he thought were wrong. He outlined why his hatred was justified. He used descriptive and mainly negative words to describe the entire experience. The big finale was that he never wanted to see this boy again! (Which was impossible really because his mother and the boys mother are friends).

I don't know if it helped him, although he appeared more calm after getting it all out. He still said he hated the boy, but at least he knows why. Yet I know children really do listen to everything their parents (and others) say. At least he knows now that he's not going to change that other boy's behavior by hating him.

As an adult, I know (and tried to express to my son) that the only way to truly change someone is by example and through love. People don't change because we want them to, but because they have their own reasons. They either realize that they have too much self inflicted pain and endeavor to change, or they realize they get some increased benefit out of changing by experimenting or learning from someone else's example. It proves that no matter what everyone can and does learn from other people's example. Even if you're a bad example, people will learn that they don't want to be like you.

My son definitely understands now what it means to be a good example. He understands at least at a very basic level that it's better to be a good example than a bad one. He understands that people are all different and that they don't all have good examples in their lives or choose not to see them. He understands that he doesn't have to live that way. That's all I wanted for him today. Maybe he'll learn someday that it's better to just forgive people for things they haven't learned yet.
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