I write to work out my thoughts from feelings, ego from soul. I have always been too much. too nice, too happy too sensitive. I love too hard and believe wholeheartedly, in a world of fakes and unhealthy beings. even when things happen naturally my brain has to ruin it. depression and anxiety have run my life ragged... been stuck in a ditch for years, numb to everything. I stood up tall with some help and now I just want to fall again. this time it's not my ego, it's my soul that just wants to let go. let go of the thought that maybe I won't be "too much" for someone in this place. all I want to do is love why is that so hard? I'm not perfect be any means but I'm honest and here for everyone. with noone for me. I guess that was the proof I need. again I'm told I'm too much... when will I learn, there is noone there, noone to turn to other then the one that broke me. everyone who says they care.... they are rarely here, only when they need my energy which I give freely because I am so much, if I don't I will just bust. unconditional love is what I want, but I think it's time to give up. in 36 years I have yet to meet, even 1 that can stand beside me. through my dark nights and just listen, to all my broken pieces. My mom taught me to fix myself, but that doesn't mean I don't need a cheerleader. someone who sees the real me, the one who sees the smile means nothing. that can sence when im a mess, and just holds me until I know that I can make it to the end of it. scared to death of being hurt I still stick my neck out.... no more after this morning, your right I need to stop loving. I need to stop helping those around me, fix myself and be just me. to do that though I will need to accept, that I will likely never meet, anyone capable of loveing me. and what little girl at heart wants to accept that part? to be ok with being alone, is one thing. this is not. what I learned the last month, I cant hide my feelings. I can't bury them and I can't run. I need to accept and move on. be done with all of this, because it's not to my benefit. pretend I never met you and secretly adore you. hope that maybe 1 day I'll understand what this was in the end. because after all is said and done, im happy knowing you are moving on. your broken peices starting to mend, your becoming that strong man again. 1 that deserves to trust a heart. so as I let go 1 last time. just keep being healthy and moving forward otherwise all of this was for nothing. but I think it's time I stop hoping and accept what has been proven.
© BeautifulBlueGem