Journal of a trapped girl
July 20th

He destroyed my home last nite for no reason but for him there’s every reason. I just told him the other day how much I loved him and really wanted to stick by him and then he does this. Shattered mirror…broken furniture…things I have collected and saved..all destroyed. My walls have holes in them now. And the screaming his SCREAMING never ends no matter what I say or don’t say it just goes on and on! Until someone called the cops and I am in hysterical tears telling the cop that everything is “fine” that he just was having a “bad day” n bc he didn’t PHYSICALLY hurt me, I admitted that, even though emotionally and mentally he has destroyed me to my fuckin core. Then he screams that he’s guna leave but he never does then he says how he’s going to clean up the mess…guess who hasn’t slept at all, while he got a short nap, and guess who picked up all the trash n broken pieces…Me! While he sat there and then proceeded to get an attitude that I may have thrown his fuckin weed jars away?! I NEVER TOUCH HIS SHIT n this is not the 1st time he has destroyed my things or my home or my kids things! He proceeded to fuck me after screamin at me for hours that he never wanted to touch me again and that I better not touch him and that I’m disgusting with a diseased bumpy pussy reminding me of what a “dirt ball” I am bc I can’t clean and then had the audacity to tell me we were going to get married in Vegas. 
I feel sick to my stomach n it’s not the drugs or the drinks I ingested all night…the ones he forced me to do because when I said NO the screaming began again…it’s the realization that I am even allowing someone so blatantly cruel and disrespectful to even be in my presence.
He loves to remind me how I will never be good enough or ever have anyone that would ever want to be with me “sure you’ll have disgusting ass niggas fuck you but they will always leave you” 
Honestly I was so much better off on my own. I always hated myself pretty decently but to have someone spew such vile things and then NEVER take accountability for anything he does wrong! Like why would I even allow that energy inside my body?!
I avoided him for weeks when he first hit me back up in March I made excuses bc I knew letting him around me in anyway would be bad..n then I fucked up and allowed him to come over and he hasn’t left since! 😞Except for when we first fought n he ran to another bitch to fuck
Which by the way I’m reminded pretty often how bad I am in bed how horrible I am at sucking dick how I have no rhythm…whatever…n this will be said after I give so much energy into trying to please him. Oral sex takes FOREVER and I begin to hurt and my body gets uncomfortable but I try n push thru it bc he hasn’t cum yet n somehow it’s all my fault bc he could make himself cum or another “prettier” “better” “cleaner” bitch would satisfy him. He talks over me constantly and thinks he is better than everyone else! Better than people who are struggling in their own way. It’s sickening the mindset he has like people fuckin owe him even when he’s a terrible human being to people who actually fucking willingly put up with him. I’m told I’m selfish pretty often as well bc I barely make enough money to cover my own ass but I’m just supposed to hand him over anything he wants or demands. 
He’s verbally the most destructive person I have ever encountered and yet I take it day after day after day and I tried sooo fuckin hard to see the good qualities…I even made a fuckin list about all the things I loved about him but that was written in a whole other journal that got destroyed last nite…sooo there’s that. 
He constantly throws anything he may think he knows about me in my face what he doesn’t have correct he makes assumptions about and throws that in my face as well. Funny how I am the one out here fucking everyone when all I do is sleep and work n cater to his insanity. It’s fuckin exhausting. Even if I would want to be a lowlife and have someone on the side what good would that fuckin do?! It would eventually bring choas that I don’t want and drama I definitly want no parts of n I am to fucking exhausted to even consider trying to entertain anyone or even be sneaky like that. Yes I’ve had numerous guys hit me up these last few months telling me they wanted to see me again n blah blah and I never even entertained them. Other men that WANTED to be with me! While the man that is with me tells me constantly how I am beneath him simply bc I am a woman and how disgusting I am. That’s love right? 
I feel trapped. Like a prisoner that will never see freedom again and all I want is my fuckin solitude n peace back. He doesn’t listen to me when I try n tell him things that hurt me or that I am sensitive to and I asked him to stop screaming personal business..like the fact that we get high..bc my daughter doesn’t need to hear that and my family is sensitive to hearing about me using drugs especially bc of everything I put them thru when I was fucking homeless (with this fuckin asshole) all those years ago and then finally put myself into rehab. 
I don’t like people knowing my business esp my family…ESPECIALLY when my business is the reality that I am a fuck up and I do terrible things. I hate him for blasting me screaming so loud that everyone can hear. I know my neighbors have heard some shitty fucking things and now this wall I had built up where people kinda knew me but didn’t know me has been shattered and I am embarrassed and disgusted with myself. I barely speak to anyone anymore I can’t make eye contact with people and I feel like an absolute fool. 
I asked him if he ever wondered why people would stop fuckin with him once he left their lives..like didn’t he ever fucking consider what he must have done that people did not give two shits about him once he was out of sight. But he plays the victim very well. poor Ever and all he’s been thru using the excuse that people he loved are dead and gone like no one else has ever expirenced the painful loss of someone dying but is that an allowable excuse to be a terrible human?!
I can’t keep going on like this. I see no freedom in sight.

© AvaPhoenix