For as long as I can remember I have been surrounded by those who have happiness and joy pouring from them in great waves. I hated it all, I hated them, because they possessed something I didn't have something which made them more human than myself. Wondering if they would wake up from nightmares on the cold floor after hours of drinking in a desperate attempt to get a moments peace from the demons within and without. If they felt the same deep seething I felt for myself whenever God never gave me the mercy of quiet death in my sleep. The perpetual fear of being a disappointment to all those who surrounded me, never amounting to the lofty goals they believed I could achieve. Always falling just short of the pilon. Wondering if my existence is just some cruel joke ending with my death, cold, broken, and alone abandoned by a world I once held in awe. Constantly surrounded by visions of horror and rage, an unending wrath I wield like a machete in an attempt to strike down those who posses what I so desperately covet. No matter how far down the road I journey I have never found someone to walk this path with and perhaps everything is as it should be. Maybe this existence of pain and isolation is what was intended for myself as penance for sins in this life, the past, and those to come. A harrowing thought, one which use to make me cry and scream like a maniac, but now, there is cold comfort in such a thought. Apathy, I believe is the word. Cast adrift in an endless tide and finally accepting the water filling your lungs and seeking in the dark water below. Others too far to hear you begging for help or at the very least mercy. Hoping at the very least the next life will be better than this one. Suicide has crossed my mind from time to time and attempted only a few all failed however fortunate or unfortunate it may be. Always so close to reaching the end of this dark road or perhaps simply surrendering the journey. However someone must walk this road and if it must be me, then I will continue to put one foot in front of the other, till I can walk no further.
© With clipped wings