It's not an uphill climb, it's a cliff.
But you're standing at the top, trying to figure out how to get to the ground. But you don't have the tools. You just have your hands and feet. Obtaining relief seems hopeless but it's not unattainable. It's just praying the next stone you're putting your trust in doesn't fall loose.

Every day is unpredictable and every day I put trust in myself. I start to believe I'm fully capable of overcoming the pain but that always ends in disappointment. It just sneaks up and lingers for as long as it decides to stay. There isn't anything I can do to shake it off. It's just groaning it out. More like throwing your face into a pillow to muffle your screaming, crying and hyperventilating.

That's another maddening thing, the hyperventilating. It hurts to breathe so I try to suck in my breath and hold it. But it always ends up in hysteria.

Then there is the humiliation. The fact agony can penetrate so deeply that you can control your own emotions astounds me everything and my bones tremble because I do everything I can to push back so I can deal with it later. Recently it's been made clear to me I don't have that luxury anymore. Cloaking my weaknesses is slipping through the palms of my hands and my words and thoughts have nothing to offer.

When in the midst of it all, when the flare-up get locked under my skin all I want is some relief of any kind.






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