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The Darkness At 4913
Sometimes in life we go through tribulations that change the entire fabric of our DNA. Things that take us of the beautiful road that we were destined to be on. And violently thrust us into a dark place where not even the smallest bit of light can be found. It takes a person of substance strength and faith to claw their way out of the deep dark hole
I guess i had it all wrong from jump. But it took me to survive beyond the horror of my past, and be beat down by the struggle that comes from simply living life. To realize that, although what was taken, no maliciously stolen from me was priceless and could never be replaced. I had to choose to move beyond my horrific past.
Into a life that should have been mine and could still be if i would only embrace it.
I remember the day that my entire life changed, the day that my childhood was stolen from me with malice intent. I remember the words that were spoken as if it were yesterday that still sends shivers down my spine even at the thought. Lay down and let me show you what those boys are going to do to you where the words spoken by the man that promise to love and protect me. Even now as i write i can feel my mind body and soul being consumed by pain and emotions i believed i had long ago overcome. Its funny how we as human beings are able to find the strength to survive unimaginable hurt heart ache and pain within our hidden selves and simultaneously keep a smile for the world to see. For the longest of time i blamed my self for the wretchedness of the evil that was done to me. I asked my self over and over again what i had done to deserve such a punishment. I even tried to rationalize what had happened to me by saying it was because he loves me. I realize now that he didn't even love himself.
It. s sometimes hard for me to write because its hard for my mind to recall a lot of the real fowl things Ricky Hurley did to me. How could a grown ass man find a child a 10 year old child at that in anyway sexually attractive. I often wonder about the motivation behind his actions.
I ask myself what would my life have been like if i would have had a chance at something as simple as just being a child.
I was 10 years old when i was murdered. I say murdered because it was a complete death of my innocence the loss that i felt even as a child still holds so much gravity today.
hate is a word that most people use often. But i wonder if they really really know what the word truly means They say it loosly and frivolously and use it to describe their dislike and disdain for things that make them uncomfortable. But if they could see the true face of hate would they be so quick to use the term. I hated Ricky hurley for a long time. I hated him so much held so much animosity in my heart for Him that it was physically killing me. Day by day it ate away at my soul bit by bit. Often times it consumed my thoughts and i could think of nothing elses except about how he made me feel so weak. How i was such a fool for allowing him to do these terrible things to me for so long. I thought about how my mind choose to survive by telling my self i was staying to protect my mother.My sister often ask me how i can still have a relationship with our mother after all she allowed to happen to me. Even now its a mystery to me how i can love her so deeply. I have always felt a responsibility for my mother as if it were my job to protect her. When now as a mother myself i realize that she was the one that should have been doing the protecting. But like most kids and even now i love her with an unexplainable passion and to keep her safe i would endure even worse.
For these things i have chosen to forgive my self in order to be able to forgive them.
My sister and i have always had a special relationship, the kind of bond that has always been more then just sisters. She has always been someone i could count on no matter what, my backbone my rock. I can vividly recall her being the first person i ever told my secret to. We were in. Grade school an on the bus one morning on the way to school i said Crystal i need to tell you something. I was to ashamed to say it directly so i just spelled it out. Ricky R.A.P.E.D ME. She was so young so innocent it took her all day to figure out what that spelled. But on the way home at the end of the day she said to me Tessa Ricky RAPED YOU? I was like yea she said you have to tell mama. I said No and made her promise not to tell so we held each other and cried all the way home
I guess i had it all wrong from jump. But it took me to survive beyond the horror of my past, and be beat down by the struggle that comes from simply living life. To realize that, although what was taken, no maliciously stolen from me was priceless and could never be replaced. I had to choose to move beyond my horrific past.
Into a life that should have been mine and could still be if i would only embrace it.
I remember the day that my entire life changed, the day that my childhood was stolen from me with malice intent. I remember the words that were spoken as if it were yesterday that still sends shivers down my spine even at the thought. Lay down and let me show you what those boys are going to do to you where the words spoken by the man that promise to love and protect me. Even now as i write i can feel my mind body and soul being consumed by pain and emotions i believed i had long ago overcome. Its funny how we as human beings are able to find the strength to survive unimaginable hurt heart ache and pain within our hidden selves and simultaneously keep a smile for the world to see. For the longest of time i blamed my self for the wretchedness of the evil that was done to me. I asked my self over and over again what i had done to deserve such a punishment. I even tried to rationalize what had happened to me by saying it was because he loves me. I realize now that he didn't even love himself.
It. s sometimes hard for me to write because its hard for my mind to recall a lot of the real fowl things Ricky Hurley did to me. How could a grown ass man find a child a 10 year old child at that in anyway sexually attractive. I often wonder about the motivation behind his actions.
I ask myself what would my life have been like if i would have had a chance at something as simple as just being a child.
I was 10 years old when i was murdered. I say murdered because it was a complete death of my innocence the loss that i felt even as a child still holds so much gravity today.
hate is a word that most people use often. But i wonder if they really really know what the word truly means They say it loosly and frivolously and use it to describe their dislike and disdain for things that make them uncomfortable. But if they could see the true face of hate would they be so quick to use the term. I hated Ricky hurley for a long time. I hated him so much held so much animosity in my heart for Him that it was physically killing me. Day by day it ate away at my soul bit by bit. Often times it consumed my thoughts and i could think of nothing elses except about how he made me feel so weak. How i was such a fool for allowing him to do these terrible things to me for so long. I thought about how my mind choose to survive by telling my self i was staying to protect my mother.My sister often ask me how i can still have a relationship with our mother after all she allowed to happen to me. Even now its a mystery to me how i can love her so deeply. I have always felt a responsibility for my mother as if it were my job to protect her. When now as a mother myself i realize that she was the one that should have been doing the protecting. But like most kids and even now i love her with an unexplainable passion and to keep her safe i would endure even worse.
For these things i have chosen to forgive my self in order to be able to forgive them.
My sister and i have always had a special relationship, the kind of bond that has always been more then just sisters. She has always been someone i could count on no matter what, my backbone my rock. I can vividly recall her being the first person i ever told my secret to. We were in. Grade school an on the bus one morning on the way to school i said Crystal i need to tell you something. I was to ashamed to say it directly so i just spelled it out. Ricky R.A.P.E.D ME. She was so young so innocent it took her all day to figure out what that spelled. But on the way home at the end of the day she said to me Tessa Ricky RAPED YOU? I was like yea she said you have to tell mama. I said No and made her promise not to tell so we held each other and cried all the way home
