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All We Have is Now (prologue)
Dear Valerie,
I miss you. I've missed you since the day I got the call. Well, actually I missed you right after you left my house that afternoon. I guess some part of me knew that you would never be back. I still text you. Well, I guess it's not actually you. Who ever got your number blocked me , but I still text it. Is that weird? I guess I keep texting because part of me still hopes that one day you'll text back. But I know you won't. You never will. I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's not as if you'll ever read it. My therapist said it would help, although I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. I want to believe you're in heaven, that you're having a blast, drinking martinis and watching sappy films like we used to. But if god existed, why would he take you away from me? You're the only person I was living for. I don't know what I'm doing with myself anymore. I've lost twenty pounds in the last month. I haven't eaten anything. But how can I? You and I used to cook together. The other night my mom suggested I cook those deluxe nachos we used to talk about doing before . . . . But that was your idea. I can't do it without you. Damnit, I miss you.
You have no idea how hard it's been since you left. Why did you leave? You could've talked to me. You didn't have to leave me by myself. You didn't have to reduce yourself down to nothing but a statistic in some students book report on the rising number of suicides! God damnit, Valerie, why? I needed you! You knew that my life was hard enough, you knew you were my only joy!
No. I should've talked to you. I shouldn't have mad every thing about myself. I guess I'm still doing that, even after . . . I should've made sure you knew how much you meant to me. I'm so sorry if I didn't.
Every day has been a living nightmare without you. My life is a void without you. You were the only light in the darkness that surrounded me. I just wish I could've been your light, too.
You used to ask me "How do you do it? How do walk through hell and still make it out alive?" but ever since you left, I know there are things far worse than hell.
I miss you. I've missed you since the day I got the call. Well, actually I missed you right after you left my house that afternoon. I guess some part of me knew that you would never be back. I still text you. Well, I guess it's not actually you. Who ever got your number blocked me , but I still text it. Is that weird? I guess I keep texting because part of me still hopes that one day you'll text back. But I know you won't. You never will. I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's not as if you'll ever read it. My therapist said it would help, although I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. I want to believe you're in heaven, that you're having a blast, drinking martinis and watching sappy films like we used to. But if god existed, why would he take you away from me? You're the only person I was living for. I don't know what I'm doing with myself anymore. I've lost twenty pounds in the last month. I haven't eaten anything. But how can I? You and I used to cook together. The other night my mom suggested I cook those deluxe nachos we used to talk about doing before . . . . But that was your idea. I can't do it without you. Damnit, I miss you.
You have no idea how hard it's been since you left. Why did you leave? You could've talked to me. You didn't have to leave me by myself. You didn't have to reduce yourself down to nothing but a statistic in some students book report on the rising number of suicides! God damnit, Valerie, why? I needed you! You knew that my life was hard enough, you knew you were my only joy!
No. I should've talked to you. I shouldn't have mad every thing about myself. I guess I'm still doing that, even after . . . I should've made sure you knew how much you meant to me. I'm so sorry if I didn't.
Every day has been a living nightmare without you. My life is a void without you. You were the only light in the darkness that surrounded me. I just wish I could've been your light, too.
You used to ask me "How do you do it? How do walk through hell and still make it out alive?" but ever since you left, I know there are things far worse than hell.
