letter to a Narc

If I could say all the unfiltered shit…

If I could write a letter and say everything I really wish I could say I would prolly feel like a terrible human being but as of your recent text and voice messages to me today while I was on my way to work. I have decided that I will say everything I’ve wanted to say right here.
I wasn’t even supposed to work today, I picked up the shift bc I have bills and things I need to take care of and I am gettin tired of being at the house having to cater to you. You bought ur 6yr old child back and I can barely take care of her bc u demand so much. I really thought just a week ago that I was actually finally able to accept you and “fall in love” bc things were going kind of smoothly but when I really look at the big picture you have been here since March…in MY HOME that u refuse to leave and I am to terrified of what fuckery you may cause to get anyone involved to force you to leave. See I fucked up with you in so many ways…when you first begin hitting me up I made excuses and kept blowing you off but I caved in and allowed u to come over one time and it’s been Hell ever since. Then I fucked up again and got high with you thinking I can trust you and you throw that in my face and try to use it against me to discredit my character or make me look bad. 
You embarrass me. The loud ignorant way you speak in public the attention you’ve brought on me and my place that I’ve lived comfortably for 6 years now… I can’t even look my neighbors in the eyes bc I stress about what they must think of me or what they could have heard about me. You throw my past in my face and anytime I try and voice my concerns over things you say to me you just cut me off or speak over me. In fact I can’t really even have a conversation with you because I am terrified of what could be used against me in the future. I won’t share with you my fears or things that excite me or plans and dreams I have because you will ruin it all in some way and I just frankly don’t want to hear your opinions on anything involving me anymore.
You are hypocritical, vindictive, munipulative, and a fucking bully on top of everything else. You make assumptions about me that are so far from the truth it don’t make any sense and then you keep using those assumptions in every attack you throw at me.
You cry about how everyone has always left you or how if you left their lives they never really kept up with you and one time I asked you if you ever questioned why people would be so quick to move on and you answered by telling me how horrible or selfish or whatever they all were.
You use sex as a weapon against me, or so you think but half the time I don’t even like fucking you to begin with. Maybe that all started the first time you insulted me and told me I was a lazy bitch in bed that I couldn’t suck dick and how I was disgusting and my ugly pussy was a turn off. You told me I should watch another girl fuck n suck u and maybe I’d learn a thing or two. You told me these things while you had another bitch on the side that you were sneaking around with and that I paid the price for…bc when she pissed you off you destroyed my home…the first time. And killed all my goldfish AND had the cops called but of course I told them you did nothing wrong because you didn’t physically hurt me right? There’s no marks or visible bruises from the kind of pain and suffering you put me thru.
Then you kind of got your shit together after threatening to leave..which wasn’t really a threat bc I was hoping so badly you were on your way out but low n behold…you did not leave. Then things got kinda calm for a little, you ditched the other girl, you became a little nicer and even tho you would always tell me I was never going to be wife material you started treating me like I was yours n I never even co-signed to that shit. In fact I’ve told you numerous times I never wanted to be married again but the reality is I never wanted to be married to someone like you bc how fuckin stupid would I be to LEGALLY trap myself into a horrible life existence with you??!
And then this last weekend….you destroyed my apartment again…and once again it stemmed from that SAME girl fucking you over (I don’t know the whole story because you are never honest about anything you do) but I paid the price and as you trashed my apartment your already completely scarred 6yr old daughter had to witness her father being a complete fuckin moron screaming horrible fucking things. Cops got called and again I told them you had not physically hurt me that you just were ranting n screaming. After you calmed down you said you would clean up everything and then you insisted on having sex even tho just hours earlier you told me to never touch you again with my diseased disgusting body and how I revolt you. You tried to be passionate with me and I just closed my eyes and did the bare minimum and pretended (as I often do) that I was fine. I think you started to realize that you are losing me because you tried to be loving and cuddling the rest of the night. I could not sleep however and so after hours of listening to you snore I got up and began cleaning up the mess you made and throwing out all the ruined furniture. You did absolutely nothing. I was supposed to be off work for a whole week and after 2 days I couldn’t stand being home anymore so I picked up a 12hr shift and bc I left early (at my usual time..about and hr before my shift started) bc I wanted time to myself, and I was considering sneaking off to have something to eat since I’m constantly spending all my money on you and your kid…you accused me of being a cheating whore and then proceeded to block me from everything. And how I do badly prayed that you would be gone today but as I sit as work about to head home I know you will be there bc you texted me about how you cooked something for dinner and I am disgusted that I have to go and even look at you for another minute. Sometimes I wish you would die. A horrific horrible death. I won’t do anything to harm you because that’s not in my nature nor do I want that on my conscious but I silently pray that something would happen to remove you from MY life. 

© AvaPhoenix