I quickly walk along the desolate road filled with nothing but silence excluding the pitter patter of the partially quiet rain. The only thing illuminating the streets in the tenebrous night are the few hardly working streetlights some flickering and some dimming away.
Stepping forward the sound of my feet sporting rain boots step down into a small puddle of rainwater that formulated in the tiny hole in the road below. Walking along a shudder as a consequence from the chilly atmosphere runs along my spine as I walk along the empty road alone.
I pull my rain coat around me to assure my clothes beneath security from the rain, I turn along a path coming across my destination; I enter my home the effects of the outside weather evident as water coming from the raincoat drips down rapidly like the strong current of a healthy waterfall. I dry off warming myself by the fire place covering myself with a blanket in the process only hoping my traverse through the stormy and somewhat abysmal weather didn't give me a cold.
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My eyes flutter open as the first thing my sense of hearing is filled with is rain. The storm still evidently going on tears away the outside as I glance at my window seeing flying leaves from the strong wind current of the storm swoop by.
I tug the edges of my blanket pulling it closer around me looking up at my clock above the fire place as it became apparent to me that I had given myself up to slumber earlier hence my loss of time to the point where early the next day had already arrived. It was still somewhat dark out as it was still very early and around 4:30 am in the morning. I shiver slightly despite having warmth surrounding the cold atmosphere around me as my teeth clatter together showing obvious effects of the drafty and cold weather. Deciding to ease my discomfort from the cold I get up with my blanket still around me walking to my kitchen which was a short distance from my living room area, an advantage to my small yet somewhat spacious and humble abode. Entering the kitchen I immediately head over to the cupboards searching through it intensely like a swindler looking through someones belongings to find something to take for themselves.
My search finally ended as I came across what I was looking for from the start; a packet of hot chocolate. It was undoubtedly the last one left therefore the intensive search through my cupboards to find it. I turn on my stove coughing a bit as the feeling of my throat being dry washed over me. I put the kettle on throwing the contents of the hot chocolate packet into the mug I had set out waiting for the water to boil.
I lean against my kitchen counter my mind wondering, as a result of the storm no one could visit vice versa. I was only lucky I was able to make my traverse through the storm as I'd absentmindedly decided to take a walk earlier yesterday and the weather took a drastic turn.
I let out a sigh my ears filled with the sound of the rather rickety kettle making not loud-- but evident noises as the water continued to boil. I continue to ponder mindlessly thinking about my life now. Many friends I had years back slowly became strangers, I could only safely say I had three people left, it was either my attachment to them that kept the friendships or the mere fact I didn't scare them away with personal botherations.
I strongly believe in quality over quantity though my mind couldn't help but think about a feeling I'd felt for almost a whole lifetime. The feeling of being alone. I'd accepted not being able to completely understand my emotions or myself, though what was expecially ironic was being able to understand others perfectly fine.
My problem with not understanding myself or my emotions often were contributing factors in the ending of many of my friendships. I despised myself for it, I did many things I regretted simply out of impulse..but it felt totally uncontrollable in the spur of the moment.
I did many things and never understood why I did it. The times of emotional numbness led to many of my downfalls as when I was supposed to feel something I couldn't. My uncontrollable fits of laughter had many a few calling me abnormal, weird or have told me I'm forcing it I've often felt conflicted as if I was causing this all on myself...but I couldn't help but think...why am I like? It's all my fault isn't it?
I'm abruptly snapped out of my thoughts as the sound of my kettle whistling startles me. I let out a shakey breath pulling my blankets closer towards my body. "Pull yourself together!" Shaking my head I pour the hot water unto the contents of the hot chocolate packet into the mug stirring as I was suprised to see marshmallows suddenly somewhat spawn to the top. Apprently the hot chocolate packet contained marshmallows. Nice. I cracked a small smile taking up the mug sipping the beverage all while walking back to the living room. I take a seat on my couch turning on the television simply to hear something other than the rain as opposed to actually watching what was being aired. I settle down snuggling up into my blanket, suddenly a withered form of a shadow flashed by my peripheral vision, my body reacts with a shiver as I ignore the movements mentally calming myself.
I was never really alone..ever.
© doet