Acceptance

As what many are in me,
Is what I wish to gaze upon myself as what their eyes see
Hell brought me through it
Thickest forests
To vast oceans
Across plains of green
Atop highest mountains too
In time, I never told myself
I love myself flaws and all
Without a judgement
Call it a DBT skill if you will
I need to accept it as is
No questions asked
Ifs ands or buts neither
Move on from it don't look back
However not as easy as I'm making it
I've been trying
I've constantly been fighting
Blood, sweat, and tears with it
Yet hadn't fully learned it
Not because I can't
I lost faith in mental health
I lost faith in not others but one only
Sadly I dislike admitting that I speak of myself
Accepting self is hard asf
But it's what we make of it to be or no
Easy or hard I can still achieve it
No matter how fucking scared I've been
Honestly, I've never been scared to death since turning 35
I lost myself
Way and all
Writing died out
Literally listening to anything to get muse
Avoiding friends and family
Yet I don't really want to
Two people I stopped talking about anything to are my mother and fiancee
Biggest supporters
Best cheerleading squad
With unconditional love
Yet I'm not receptive about it
Not because I don't give a crap
I just feel empty and drained
Stripped of myself my life and joys
Ripped to shreds to which no smile exists
Suicide is all in my mind fragile and resilient
Last time I totally went through an attempt I didn't realize what I had, is what most desire
Love,
Support,
Friends,
Family
I've been selfish
I've been an asshole
I've snapped at the very people that gave me all that and all I had to say metaphorically was a simple, "Fuck you"
I'm not modest about it
Or afraid to speak my mind
One I know very much appreciates that
Knowing more about me than I ever told
Maybe that's who my teacher needs to be
His wisdom is quite extraordinary
His aspect on life is fascinating
But what triggers my curiosity is,
That I speak my mind
I don't bulshit
I don't sugar coat
I tell it like it is
Which still baffles me to why he likes that
Even though I cuss like a sailor(yet try not to) bad taste for my character
I still have the means to be brutally honest with anything and anyone in a healthy manner of course yet still balance that without being a dick(lol)
Shit if I had a dollar for every time I said fuck in an form of communication towards not really giving a shit I'd probably be a billionaire.
"Fuck life" business? Funny you should mention it.
I'd be a Rich SOB if I counted times I said that past or present. However I've come to realize life is fascinating.
It's very easy to keep it or destroy it.
It's simple to just end it or continue with it as well. The hard part?
Knowing that life is what you make it out to be( trust me I've learned the hard way, still do) and it sucks it really fucking sucks. Feels horrible too, but
Knowing that is half the battle!
Overcoming it and coming to terms with what is and never going back and loving yourself..IS the battle. God knows how much I wanted to badly give up. Yet I'm still here. I attempted suicide, overdosed on meds and still here.
I really really wanted to just fade away.
The real thing is, I didn't want to die
I just wanted my pain to stop. That took me my whole. Flippin, life. To realize and it felt so refreshing that it's what keeps me from going backwards I may ATM be in a dark 🌑 ass place now, guess what? I'M STILL HERE LOL
Didn't quit entirely few mistakes
Some fucked up some not so much.
If you ask me,
It got accepted

-Scottie
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