We can only truly see when our eyes are closed. Only in closed eyes, we can unfold the unspoken thoughts and unspoken words. It’s then and only then that we know who we are.
Behind the close eyes you can see the real me and you can only decide if you’ll want to stay or flee.
The outside façade is just a tiny little portion of what I can do and I can be. The side I am showing the public is a mask I had created to protect myself from the selfishness of the society. It is not me, it is certainly not me.
If you can only see the inside of my mind and heart, you will know. It is the part of my life that only those who really matter I can only truly show.
I will let you enter in a mansion I had created and protected inside. I will let you enter in my world; it’ll be quite a ride.
It is my fortress and refuge and it is now for you to see to understand the silence behind my personality.
I keep two doors and you can choose which one you want to enter.
There are two doors that will tell you who I am. There are two doors that I had been keeping as secret and only a few know about it.
The first door is what I call “Dark Mystery” where all mistakes, failures, negativity, and anxiety are being kept there. You will see my darkness, the unwanted side of me.
The second door is what I call “Happy Melody” where all happy thoughts and memories are stored. You will feel the inexplicable happiness I had felt. You will learn what I’ve learned as well.
But, if you wish to enter my world, make sure to know my bad sides first. In knowing such, you will understand why I’ve done what I’ve done.
FIRST DOOR
The first room is the very first room I made in that mansion. I myself don’t want to open that. It is full of struggles and sacrifices I barely talked about. It was like a maze that I had never knew the day would come that I would be successful escaping that room. It changed my life.
Inside the room is not completely darkness as you’ve imagined. It is more like collection of things that haunt me. It is like I had placed my nightmares in containers and I made sure nothing escaped.
If you will look you will see my fears. In the aisle I had labelled “Fears” there is this one thing I am afraid of. I am not afraid of spiders, or snakes, or dogs. You will not see spiders, snakes, or dogs. You will see a child that looks like me. You will see her tied up. You will see her crying and her eyes are full of anger and rage. That is what I am most afraid of. I am afraid of myself.
I am afraid of the evil things I can do. I am capable of doing such. If you will look closely at me, you will see. You will see how calm my eyes now, but it wasn’t calm and friendly as before. In that child’s eye, there is a tremendous amount of anger that is unfathomable. In her eyes is the look of anger always ready to devour. I was afraid of myself and of what I can do. I had seen that look in the mirror many times, every day. It is my prison cell. It is what is keeping me from happiness. Struggling with self has never been easy.
Look, she sometimes cries. It is not only because she was being kept in that room and tied without freedom and with pain, but because she was my shadow. She knew that she will be kept there with only pain and anger.
You will ask the reason why I didn’t bring her. I do not know that I had that shadow. When I was fighting with the darkness, all I know is that I had to escape the room and live as a different person. I will never again enter that room until I am ready to face that darkness. Then, the time had come that I decided to look and I found her there. I found my shadow here. It was painful for me to see her crying and hurting herself. It was she whom I had left behind. I convinced that child to join me outside, but she told me she can’t. She can’t go with me because I am not her anymore. That’s when I learned that she is a dark energy that I created. Instead of joining me, she asked for a favour. She wanted to be tied up to keep herself from trying to die in an impossible death. She will not die because as you can see, she is still a part of me. That would be the kindest thing I can do for her. I tied her up with a heavy heart. I was sorry. I am still feeling sorry. Even if she has the anger in her eyes, believe me, it is more of a pain and hurt that was invested in her. She is me and that is who I was. Sometimes, I can still be that child, but not as intense as she is. It’s because I can control it now. I can control the anger because people who loved me and supported me. I am now free.
Now, shall we say farewell to that poor child? She’s strong, she’ll be just fine.
Let us move to the next aisle, the aisle, I call “Expectations”. You will see diplomas, medals, certificates, and a wounded eagle. You can easily understand what I am trying to convey. The reason of the anger of that child has something to do with this aisle. She had felt the burden of being the eldest and of being advanced in years. That poor little child is advanced beyond his age. She is an old soul. She had excelled before that she thought her parents and the people around her are expecting her to be successful all the time. It brought out many things, from anger to failure. She is talented, smart, and intelligent. But there is a problem, she was overprotected and misunderstood. She doesn’t want the protection because she thought she is strong enough and she doesn’t need it. She doesn’t want to be told what to do because it only burdens her. And the most important thing, she doesn’t want to fail. She thought that being a failure in school is a failure in life. But, she will never have the freedom she always wanted. She will never have the understanding she always prayed for. No one can understand the behaviour of that child. No one can understand the pain stacked in her heart. No one will ever understand that poor little thing because she is silent about it. She never dared explain herself. She never dared speak up. She was hurting alone. Thus, in order to survive the lonely world she is living, she needs recognition. Only with medals and certificates, she will be noticed. Only with those things, she will gain confidence and self-esteem. Only with those things, she will be recognized. Little did she know that she had flown so high, and it has been a scary feeling. Like that wounded eagle, she lost her ability to fly again. But, she was happy. I am happy.
It is not easy to become a wounded eagle. You will lose your wings but you will try and try and try to fly not so high but high enough to let you see life. Life is not about how high you flown. Life is not about how mighty you are, whether you’ll be that mighty eagle or a dirty worm it doesn’t matter. Life is not about how many diplomas, medals, and certificates you earned. Life is not about success. It is more about failures and wounded wings.
By failing and being wounded, you will be humbled. Not all things are about you. We thought when we were young that the world must revolve around us, but it will not and it will never be. When we were young we are told of the things we thought could bring us happiness, but it wasn’t always the case. We obey because we fear punishment. But, let me tell you, that wounded eagle does not only lose her wings, she lost her hearing too. She became deaf. She cannot hear the demands of the world anymore. She cannot hear the world anymore. She only cares about flying low and being happy flying with the bees above the fragrance of flowers in a meadow.
I had conquered expectations that way. It is not failure that has been suffocating me for so long, it is success. It is the thirst to be successful. You will feel the greed there. But I cannot do that. My principles are keeping me from doing that. I had failed but I found the real peace and happiness. It is not in diplomas, medals, or certificates; it is inside a peaceful and contented heart.
Shall we move on to the next aisle?
Let me tell you that this aisle is the last aisle, and lies there are what pain me the most. I call this aisle “Angels of Death”. But I do not think I am ready to show it to you.
This is enough for the day. Thank you for the will to know a bit of me.
I will show you later the second door I was telling you about, the door of “Happy Melody”.
SECOND DOOR
Let me open to you my second door to the room filled with happy memories, dreams, and smiles. Let me welcome you to the other side of me.
I made sure this room is bigger and brighter than the first one. As I had escaped the room of dark mystery or should I say dark misery, I made sure the room I will create will be filled with opposite memories. It is bigger, brighter and happier.
Look, what do you feel? Can you feel the excitement? I can see the smile on your face.
No matter what light I put on the first room, they’ll drain all the energy there and it made light there dimmer than the light here.
Look on your right, it’s my playground. C’mon we can play here. I wanted to spend most of my time here. It made me forget the stress of the real world.
Do you remember the child I tied up? I wish she can get out there. She hadn’t played as much as she wants. I had never played that much. That is why, no matter how old I am and I would be; I will play as much as I want. I can swing, and slide as much as I want.
You know, life is like this seesaw. It’s not fun without a friend. There will be no balance. There will be no ups and downs. You will always be down there trying so hard to go up even if you know you will not. Meet and find friends until you meet the one who will not leave you in the seesaw even if others are busy playing in a swing or in a slide. Find that one friend who will be in the end of the seesaw.
If you have one, consider yourself lucky; even if it is only one. This playground will not be fun without friends. All friends are special. Just look. Can’t you see them? My playground is big enough for all my friends to play here. You can see what kind of friend they are to me. Look at those who are playing in the slide. They are my easy-go-lucky friends. Climbing the slide is not that hard. It has a ladder and its fun because you know you have one another. The more, the merrier. They are the friends whom I can climb the ladder and slide there together. No worries, its pure fun friends.
There’s more, do not go to that swing alone. Make sure you have a friend who will push you to go up and will catch you when you go down. Find that friend and make sure you’ll do the same to them. I tell you, it is no fun alone. Those are my friends who pushed me to go beyond my ability. Those are the friends who’d been keeping me motivated to succeed. Those are my friends who will catch me when I fall and told me it’s okay. You can rely on them, always. Do not forget to have that kind of friend. You do not succeed and fail alone. You always do it with someone else.
And finally, if life gives you a seesaw, be thankful. Look for a friend who will keep you up and down. They are the truest. You both affect each other. You can balance the seesaw together or go down so your friend will go up and she’ll do the same. Friendship is about humility and forgiveness. It requires balance to keep you both going. Look that one friend I got. Many times, she left me there alone. But, I tell you, true friends will always come back to be humble and ask for forgiveness so you can both go up and be happy again. There are many who played with me there, but most of them just leave when it is no fun anymore. But I am lucky that I have at least one who doesn’t. She always makes sure I have someone in my seesaw. Life is not all about fun. People stay not because it is all about fun. They stay because it is you. They stay because they cannot play seesaw without you. And you know that you cannot play too, without them.
This is my playground and I hope you understand that is not only a playground. There lies the true meaning of friendship. I keep there and treasure my true friends. Do you get it?
Look over there, can you see those photographs? Those are my memories. Here, there is no space for sad memories. Look closely and look at the eyes. Aren’t we happy? It is hard to smile in this world that is full of tears, pain, and sorrow. And when you do smile, capture it all you want. Do you know the reason why true happiness can only be seen when our eyes smile? It is because it only smiles beautifully after crying oceans of tears and conquering evils in their heart. It is the renewed strength after not giving up. It is when they are with their loved ones. It is when their dreams come true. You will see their eyes sparkling and shining every time they are with the right people.
It is the same with me. You can only see my eyes sparkling and smiling when I am with those people in the photographs. Choose your people and they will never let you down.
Collect memories that will make you smile. It will be your weapon when sadness that has been locked in the other room escaped. Always go back to the moment that made your stomach hurts while laughing. Go back to the moment that made your heart flutter. Go back, for it will give you strength when only fogs of unwanted memories are hindering your view of what is beyond you. Carry that strength with you, always.
Can you hear that sound? It’s from over there; let me take you to where it came from. It’s one of my favourites.
You see, music is the language of the universe. We can understand it even if it’s just melody with no words. You don’t need words to understand it; you just need your heart to hear it. It can change almost anything; especially us.
It can suit our tastes. When we are sad, we listen to sad music just to feel sadder and miserable. But, when we are happy, we appreciate happy melodies. It can both heal and destroy. You must use music wisely, or it will use you.
Music is my blood. It gives life to every cell in both my body and soul. You have to place the music here not on the other room or it will play unhealthily. It’s dangerous to place it there, it can stir unwanted emotions. It can trigger memories.
Listen. Listen to your heartbeat. What kind of music it’s playing?
We are all writers of our own music; our own songs. It affects us and those people around us.
What kind of music are you hearing from me? Is it a happy melody with distinct and beautiful harmony? Or is it a sad song that makes time seems long? Whether it’ll be black keys or white keys in a piano; whether it’ll be major or minor chords; whether it’ll be lower notes or higher notes, it all makes good music. The only difference is…you. What kind of music your heart is making?
I can see you smiling.
Now, let me introduce to you my mini library and study hall. This is where I enjoy reading and writing. This is where I meditate and make decisions. This is my comfort zone where I can pour my heart out. The books I have here are my written stories and emotions. These are my treasures. This is my world. This is who I am.
And the most important thing is in that place; my prayer room. It is a special place I created just to talk to my Lord about everything. I hid nothing. I tell him everything. I tell him my hopes, dreams, fears, sadness, anger, and happiness.
I had lived for all these years because of this place. It helps me breathe and take a break from the reality of life. Reality is cruel in itself. I had been cruel to myself. But I got tired, and this is how I gave up being cruel. This place is my life and my treasure.
I had let you entered into my world. It is up to you now. Will you stay? Will you be a friend whom I can play in a seesaw? Or will you just pass by? Leave if you must, stay if you want.

© Joydlynn Rivero